North Korean 'Nuclear Device' Actually Made of Diet Coke and Mentos
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
Unsupervised Bush Issues Executive Order Deploying Iron Man to Iraq
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.
'Spamming for Jesus' Campaign Short Lived
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Determined Parent Hunts Missing Child
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Liner Notes to Rap Album Reveal Elusive Law of Thermodynamics
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."