Same-Sex Canine Marriage Infuriates Conservative Dog Lovers
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
Justice Department Disrupts Terror Plot To Attack US Capitol Building
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Bush: "Immigrants Must Speak English Fluentically"
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Lexus Now Offering Bush Campaign Stickers As A Standard Option on SUVs
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.