Determined Parent Hunts Missing Child
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
100% of Trailer Park Residents Pro-Life, Pro-Wrestling
A recent survey by the Lew Research Foundation found that 100% of Shadow Oaks Trailer Park residence vehemently oppose the right to abortion. The same survey found that 100% of the residents also attended a professional wrestling event within the past 12 months. Reached for comment, park resident Kyle Zimmons elaborated on the survey, "My daddy told me two things before he died. First, he said don't abort no babies. Second, he said ain't nobody gonna ever top the Nature Boy on account of his figure four leglock." Research leader Mark Stiles echoed Zimmons' account, "although respondents strongly opposed abortion rights, they did agree with the right to spine-buster an opponent while the referee wasn't looking."
A recent survey by the Lew Research Foundation found that 100% of Shadow Oaks Trailer Park residence vehemently oppose the right to abortion. The same survey found that 100% of the residents also attended a professional wrestling event within the past 12 months. Reached for comment, park resident Kyle Zimmons elaborated on the survey, "My daddy told me two things before he died. First, he said don't abort no babies. Second, he said ain't nobody gonna ever top the Nature Boy on account of his figure four leglock." Research leader Mark Stiles echoed Zimmons' account, "although respondents strongly opposed abortion rights, they did agree with the right to spine-buster an opponent while the referee wasn't looking."
Child Experts Concerned Over Latest Fad: Dog Choking
Believed to have originated in Northeast Ohio, a wave of unprovoked dog choking incidents have recently been reported by terrified parents across the US. The chokings are only the latest in a disturbing trend of what child psychologists have dubbed 'shock fads', which are quickly becoming a popular method for children and teens to scare parents. "I came home from work, and my eight year old son was choking our poor dog Molly in the den. It was horrible, the dog nearly died" said an unidentified mother. Experts have warned parents to brace for the worst as this unusual fad continues to gather momentum. According to Will Traxler of the Child Violence Institute, "kids today think that choking dogs is fun, which it is. However, children should not be allowed to choke pets without adult supervision."
Believed to have originated in Northeast Ohio, a wave of unprovoked dog choking incidents have recently been reported by terrified parents across the US. The chokings are only the latest in a disturbing trend of what child psychologists have dubbed 'shock fads', which are quickly becoming a popular method for children and teens to scare parents. "I came home from work, and my eight year old son was choking our poor dog Molly in the den. It was horrible, the dog nearly died" said an unidentified mother. Experts have warned parents to brace for the worst as this unusual fad continues to gather momentum. According to Will Traxler of the Child Violence Institute, "kids today think that choking dogs is fun, which it is. However, children should not be allowed to choke pets without adult supervision."
Lexus Now Offering Bush Campaign Stickers As A Standard Option on SUVs
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
Unsupervised Bush Issues Executive Order Deploying Iron Man to Iraq
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.