Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat

After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.

After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."

Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."

Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.

Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."

Scientists to Study Effects of NASCAR on Rainforest

Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."

The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.

The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.

The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.