Rap Star Showcases Religious Superiority with Diamond Crucifix
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.
Determined Parent Hunts Missing Child
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Bush: "Immigrants Must Speak English Fluentically"
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
'Spamming for Jesus' Campaign Short Lived
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."