Justice Department Disrupts Terror Plot To Attack US Capitol Building
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
Bush: "Immigrants Must Speak English Fluentically"
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Liner Notes to Rap Album Reveal Elusive Law of Thermodynamics
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."