Lexus Now Offering Bush Campaign Stickers As A Standard Option on SUVs
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
Relatives Report Six Month Old Baby "Not So Big On Hygiene"
Not yet six months old, baby Jessica Arnold has developed several unsavory and unhealthy habits according to various relatives. Aunt Jane Arnold saw the first sign of trouble shortly after Jessica returned home from the hospital. Per Jane, "most of the family came over to see the 'new addition' and we were terribly excited. However, when the family wasn't watching, I saw Jessica stick her hand into her mouth and then proceed wipe spit all over her face and forehead. It was gross." Similar incidents were reported by other family members, including grandmother Dorothy Boyd. "Jessica, as sweet as she is, can be really disgusting at times. One day she was in her rocker and just threw up all over herself. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, she just sat there looking around like nothing was wrong. After ten minutes I had endured enough and cleaned it up for her", Dorothy said. Reached for comment, Jessica was questioned about her bad habits. In a bold display of rebellion, she stared at a ceiling fan and blew spit bubbles.
Not yet six months old, baby Jessica Arnold has developed several unsavory and unhealthy habits according to various relatives. Aunt Jane Arnold saw the first sign of trouble shortly after Jessica returned home from the hospital. Per Jane, "most of the family came over to see the 'new addition' and we were terribly excited. However, when the family wasn't watching, I saw Jessica stick her hand into her mouth and then proceed wipe spit all over her face and forehead. It was gross." Similar incidents were reported by other family members, including grandmother Dorothy Boyd. "Jessica, as sweet as she is, can be really disgusting at times. One day she was in her rocker and just threw up all over herself. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, she just sat there looking around like nothing was wrong. After ten minutes I had endured enough and cleaned it up for her", Dorothy said. Reached for comment, Jessica was questioned about her bad habits. In a bold display of rebellion, she stared at a ceiling fan and blew spit bubbles.
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
Scientists to Study Effects of NASCAR on Rainforest
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Determined Parent Hunts Missing Child
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."