|
New Reality Show Seeks To Discover America's Top Brick Mason |
Fox Networks announced Monday plans to bolster its Fall television lineup with a bold new reality show from the producers of award winning reality hits "Trailer Park Island" and "Small Pox Bachelor". The new show, which was filmed in New Jersey, follows the lives of 12 brick layers as they compete for the honor of 'America's Top Brick Mason'. The winning mason will be awarded a one year contract with Home Depot as well as a new Ford F-350 pickup truck. Complicating matters, contestants fall under the supervision of boxing legend Mike Tyson. Although he is not widely known as a brick masonry expert, Tyson is well versed in the art of demeaning and degrading others. Fox is gambling that a combination of heart stopping brick masonry and Tyson's explosive temper will result in a ratings bonanza.
Also standing between contestants and the top prizes are a series of brutal challenges designed to test both their will and wits. Contestants are forced to lay brick in some of the most demanding environments, including a burning building and central Baghdad. Producers claim that three participants quit in a harrowing masonry challenge in which they were forced to build a brick wall mere inches away from a nest of Africanized killer bees. The show's season finale is also rumored to involve two tons of brick and an active volcano. |
| |
 |
Scientists Enlist Supercollider In Search For Reason To Own Full House Season 2 DVD |
Shifting their attention from the search for the Higgs boson particle to pop culture, scientists at the CERN research center in Geneva re-tasked their massive particle accelerator to search for a reason to own 90s television show Full House on DVD. Specifically, the scientist hope to uncover just one reason to purchase the 1988 second season of the show. Lead scientist Gurden Kahov explained that, "due to the second season's complete lack of character development and over-reliance on thinly executed plot themes, it is easily the least appealing of the Full House seasons. For this reason, we are working around the clock to uncover a purpose to own the DVD. If we can figure this out, unifying general relativity and quantum physics should be a piece of cake." |
| |
|
Australian Stingray Community Braces For Backlash |
| Normally viewed as a relatively placid species, stingrays came under intense scrutiny Monday after news that famed zoologist Steve Irwin was killed in a stingray encounter. Although fatal incidents involving stingrays are extremely rare, many Australian stingrays fear that a public backlash could result from the incident. One stingray, speaking on the condition of anonymity stated that, "all I want to do with my life is hang out on the ocean floor and eat delicious crustaceans. Now, thanks to one careless stingray, I have to worry about getting tormented by angry human teenagers." Stingray sympathy was definitely in short supply in Irwin's Queensland hometown, where resident Curtis Brothers started a petition drive to enact a government funded effort to hunt stingrays into extinction. "I'm calling it the 'Sting the Stingray Drive'. My plan is to roundup all stingrays in Australia, gas them and then burn the bodies in the Sydney Opera House", Brothers said. Questioned about the feasibility of trying to gas an aquatic animal, Brothers responded, "if Steve were still with us he'd find a way." |
| |
|
'Terror Idol' Contestants Compete to Replace Al Zarqawi |
| Attempting to capitalize on the success of Fox's American Idol TV show, Al Qaeda aired the premier episode of 'Terror Idol' Monday on the Al Jazeera television network. The show's format is similar to that of the American Idol competition, but contestants are judged not on their singing skills, but on their aptitude for terror. The show has rocketed in popularity since the first airing, becoming the most watched show in Al Jazeera history. Events include suicide bombing, hostage taking and 'ranting against the infidels.' Judges for the competition consist of Al Qaeda's Supreme Leader Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda Spiritual Advisor Ayman Al-Zawahri and former rapper MC Hammer. Bin Laden brought many prospective terrorists to tears with his biting criticisms. Starting next week, viewers will be able to cast votes for their favorite terrorist via a voting hotline or mob assault, both popular forms of expression in the region. Already, one contestant has captured the hearts of viewers. Janni Al Mohama, a Jordanian terrorist, has proven very popular with the ladies and is considered 'the man to beat'. According to a random Saudi youth, "Janni is just so dreamy with his fashionable haircut and cute dimples. I have his pictures hanging in my school locker. Go Janni!" |
| |
|
Corporate Goons Stage Violent Protest Over Dilbert Cartoon |
| Responding to the growing furor over a recent Dilbert cartoon depicting the meddlesome antics of a mid-level manager, protests were staged in several large cities worldwide. Corporate hacks, goons and yes-men punctuated their rage by burning Dilbert books and igniting an effigy of Scott Adams, the cartoon's author. Noted one protester, "Scott Adams has gone too far this time by pointing out the inefficiencies and inequities of the modern working environment. He and his benefactors will pay for this." The protests were initially expected to be much more violent, but the protest violence steering committee was unable to prepare the necessary impact study in time for the board meeting. |
| |
 |
Film Studios Struggle to Understand Why Garbage No Longer Sells |
| Speaking on a conference call with industry analysts, Universal Film Studios president Carl Mulligan expressed dismay at the weak box office performance that has plagued movie studios for nearly nine months. "It's as if the whole country decided, in unison, to demand quality storylines, good acting and intelligent directing." He added, "we've never seen anything like it before." Almost every film studio has suffered weakened financial prospects lately as repeated marketing blitzes and celebrity promotions have failed to draw a significant audience to the theaters. Questioned what his company's future plans were, Mulligan answered, "we're working on a new Rocky movie and a new Rambo movie. If that doesn't do the trick...God help us." |
| |
 |
Rap Star Showcases Religious Superiority with Diamond Crucifix |
| Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death. |
|
FACTilla.com
