In his first documented appearance in over 2000 years, God held a brief press conference in New York City to address concerns that his intentions have been misinterpreted by offshoots of several popular religions. "The time has come for me to explain my will in very clear, concise terms. For far too long, mankind has distorted my word to suit his own needs and desire for power. Also, I have found most major religious texts to be needlessly long and drawn out. What a bore."
Before an audience of theologians, religious heads and government leaders, God explained that "no single religion reflects the values I want to impart on you, my children. This greatly disappoints me." The revelation shocked many in the audience who had devoted their lives to various forms of worship. However, the greater shock occurred when God added, "The only religion moving in the direction I desire is Radical Islam. Those guys really impress me." |
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Asked to clarify his position, God outlined four issues where Radical Islam is, "breaking new ground and taking religion in an interesting direction." God issued the following statements: |
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"The subjugation of women is actually what I intended from the start when I created them. Somewhere along the lines, several religions got this crazy idea that women should be treated equally as men. I never once expressed a desire for women to be treated with respect or to have personal dignity. Radical Islam followers understand this. It warms my heart to see the lengths they have gone to to insure that women stay in check. The Christians, in particular, should take note of this. They have a lot of catching up to do " |
| "I really can't stress enough the importance of religious and ethnic conflict. If I had wanted to create a peaceful world, I would have made all of my children identical. Instead, I gave you the gift of diversity so I would be endlessly entertained by your wars and baseless hatred for one another. In addition to being a jealous God, I am also a bored God. Here again, the Radical Islamists are leading the pack. I really can't get enough of their Jihads." |
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" I wish I had the opportunity to go back and smite the inventor of children's toys. Toys have really gotten out of control, with kids in most developed countries having access to a wide spectrum of high tech toys used to annoy adults. The result has been generation upon generation of spoiled and uncreative children. Here again, Radical Islamists have taken the lead by preventing children from playing with all but the most rudimentary toys, such as buckets and hammers. This helps children grow into more worshipful adults " |
| "What's the point of executing a person if other's can enjoy it? Up until the past 150 or so years, most executions were held in a public square. Then, some genius came up with the concept of making executions a dignified and boring procedure. This concept, combined with medical advances have given people the idea that death is not something to be feared. Radical Islamists understand that the only good execution is a public execution. And the more spectacle, the better. I want to see more executions and all of them need to be public, preferably at an arena, stadium or softball field." |
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As God wrapped up his press conference, there was a palpable sense of bewilderment among the conference attendees. When God asked if there were any further questions, most people sheepishly sank back into their chairs or stared at the ceiling. Adjourning the conference, God thanked everyone for coming and disappeared in a blinding light. |
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