Attorney General Gonzales Establishes Permanent Office on Senate Floor

Embattled US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced Thursday a compromise which would both allow him to keep his Justice Department position and provide adequate Congressional supervision of his activities. According to the agreement, Gonzales will move his office from the Justice Department to the floor of the US Senate. Although the move is considered highly unusual, Gonzales has actually spent more of his tenure as Attorney General trying to justify his conduct than he has spent pursuing justice.

Since taking office in early 2005, Gonzales has played a central role in scandals ranging from abuse of the

Patriot Act to the politically motivated dismissal of US attorneys. Government procedural experts expect that having around the clock access to the Attorney General will help clear a logjam of Gonzales investigations plus fast-track future investigations.

Gonzales' move to the Senate has already started to pay dividends, say some members of Congress. According to Senator Charles Schumer, "Last night one of our interns caught Gonzales waterboarding a hobo in the janitor's closet. Thanks to his new office arrangement, a Senate oversight committee was able to question Gonzales, then debate and pass a censure motion. All of this took place in a span of 25 minutes."

It's not everyday that events in Washington have a sudden impact on ordinary Americans, but the failure of the US Senate to pass immigration reform legislation has accomplished just that. As a result of this reform failure, the status of millions of illegal immigrants is once again up in the air, and those dependent on immigrant labor are starting to panic.

One such person is Lila Baker, a pharmaceutical sales executive. "It has taken me years to assemble the right immigrants to maintain my immaculate yard. You know, it seemed like forever before I found someone who could prune my percious Siberian Iris plants. The fact that our legislators are willing to put millions of our finest lawns at risk over petty politics is just wrong," she said.

Economist James Richards has examined labor trends over the past two decades. He concluded from this research that America's dependency on immigrant labor has effectively killed off the domestic edging and pruning industry. As a result, he claims "US workers are poorly equipped with the skills necessary to operate riding lawnmowers and complex trimmers."

Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."

Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."

Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.

In what has become only the latest twist in the Iraq War, several US patrols in Baghdad suffered heavy casualties Wednesday after the US House of Representatives passed a resolution condemning the Bush Administration's war performance. According to official records, House Bill 3440 was passed with a vote of 280-155 at 9PM EST. Immediately following the vote, as many as seven US soldiers spontaneously combusted.

The devastating scenario played out just as Vice President Dick Cheney predicted. Only months earlier, the Vice President warned legislators that opposition to the war would endanger US troops. Following news of the deaths, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi immediately called a halt to further legislation aimed at limiting the Bush Administration's capability to conduct war. Her office released a statement which read, "the incidents of spontaneous combustion which occurred in Iraq today have reminded us all that steadfast submission is critical to the safety and well being of our soldiers."

Robert Gates, the prospective nominee to replace current Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, shocked a Senate committee Tuesday when he made the startling assertion that the United States is losing Iraq War. According to insider sources, both Democrat and Republican politicians were overwhelmed with joy upon learning of Gates' aptitude for noting the obvious. Iowa Senator Tom Harkin was quoted as saying, "finally, we have found the one person in all of America who cracked the code on Iraq. What a glorious day." Harkin's fellow Senators wasted no time in tapping Gates' brilliant perspective on tough problems. New York Senator Hillary Clinton asked Gates if it was ok to eat a piece of chocolate she found in the Capitol parking lot. Gates responded, "no maam, candy you find in a parking lot is not safe for consumption." The Senate panel then broke into spontaneous applause.

As the Republican party struggles to regain its footing in the wake of a scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley and inappropriate emails to minors, a ray of hope arrived Wednesday in the form of newly released poll numbers. A USA Today poll conducted after the scandal found that while Republicans did lose significant ground in the 'non-disgusting people' demographic, key progress had been made in drawing a large portion of the coveted pedophile demographic. Republican strategist Ken Phila studied the poll and stated that, "this definitely shows that we have strong momentum going into the Fall elections. We've been trying for years to make headway with pedophile voters. If we'd known that all we had to do was reveal that one of our top representatives was a pedophile, we would have done that years ago." History has shown that most pedophiles have generally favored the Democratic party, due in large part to the widely held belief that Democrats are more lenient on criminals than Republicans. Asked whether the new polling data signaled trouble for Democrats, polling expert Hoke Smith pointed to the fact that 99.99995% of the US population falls into the non-pedophile category. "I doubt the Republicans will get much mileage out of the new numbers," he added. Still, Republican strategist Phila was upbeat, stating that "based on our success with pedophiles, we may try and find a minority within the party to publicize and build a minority voter base. Unfortunately its easier to find a Republican pedophile than a Republican minority, but give us time."