Michael Vick: Dogs Were Electrocuted In Self-Defense |
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NFL star Michael Vick greeted reporters Monday in an attempt to ease mounting outrage over his alleged involvement in organized dogfighting. In an impromptu press conference, Vick explained that his role in the deaths of eight dogs was greatly exaggerated.
"I would never willingly hurt a dog. However, in eight non-consecutive instances, I was forced to defend myself from dog attacks. In each of those instances, the death of the attacking dog resulted."
Vick was immediately challenged by reporters and questioned about the plausibility of a single person suffering eight dog attacks. Vick responded, "the dog is a very unpredictable creature and prone to attack without warning or provocation. Dogs are actually descendant from wolves, you know." Vick then shot an approving glance to a member of his entourage, who returned it with a 'thumbs up' gesture.
Reporters then asked Vick to explain why authorities believe several dogs were killed by electrocution. "Obviously, I was attacked by those dogs near the circuit breaker box in my garage. In the process of defending myself, the dogs got caught up in the wiringand suffered fatal electric shocks. I regret the deaths. As you can plainly see, I had no choice.", Vick said. |
Representatives from the National Humane Society and PETA applauded Vick's courage in clearing the air with respect to the dog fighting allegations. "We were very happy to hear that Mr. Vick did not willfully harm any of the animals in question. Many people electrocute dogs to impress friends and relatives. Fortunately, Vick is not one of these people", said PETA director Chris Leroach. "We wish Michael the very best. He is truly a friend to animals." |
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This Superbowl Sunday, hundreds of millions of people from around the globe will tune in to watch the great American spectacle which has become the modern SuperBowl. <read more> |
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Steroid Stocks Surge as Baseball Season Approaches |
| Pharmaceutical manufacturer Advsant announced Wednesday that first quarter earnings were expected to exceed analyst expectations by up to $0.15 per share. On a conference call with investors, CEO Ken Drummond attributed the improved results to a decline in R&D spending combined with a 730% increase in human growth hormone sales. Drummond stated that, "our new X250L growth stimulant is designed to help cancer patients rebuild muscle tissues lost during chemotherapy. Although we've yet to understand it, our sales begin to climb in early March and plateau until September." Questioned whether the sales trend mirrored the professional baseball season, Drummond was quick to dispel the notion that Advsant's products were used by athletes, "our largest customer isn't a pro athlete. In fact he's a brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, melanoma, prostate cancer and lung cancer survivor. Barry Zonds of San Francisco, if you're listening, we're all pulling for you to win your battle with thyroid cancer." |
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Olympic Curling Team Wins Gold Medal for Boring |
| The Danish Curling Team secured an upset victory Tuesday over a Czech Republic team which was heavily favored to win Gold. The audience reacted to the win with an enormous sigh as most members were simply attending the match to secure good seats for an upcoming speed skating event. Audience member Shane Durane from the United States explained that, "its unreal that people consider this a sport. Some bozo sitting behind me called it chess on ice. I don't recall there being two morons with brooms sweeping the ground in chess." This frustration was shared by many other attendees, including Olga Shohlom of Germany who said, "I thought I was buying tickets to a weightlifting event. I never knew curling even existed and I yearn to return to the days when that was still the case." |
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Mike Tyson Assaults Cameraman, Loses in Split Decision |
| A brawl outside South American nightclub 'El Diablo' Thursday night resulted in Mike Tyson's third straight boxing defeat. The fight started as Tyson was exiting the club and attempting to enter a vehicle. Cameraman Luis Volho tripped Tyson as he was positioning himself to film the boxer. Three bystanders who witnessed the scuffle scored the fight 29-28 Volho, 30-28 Tyson and 30-29 Volho, handing Mike Tyson yet another embarrassing defeat. Commenting on his split decision victory, Volho said, "Tyson actually hit like a girl. Throughout the whole fight it was abundantly clear that his best days are behind him." Volho's manager noted that his next opponent, scheduled for July 2006, will be taxi driver Carlos Reyes. |
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