Rising Car Bomb Demand in Iraq a Boon to US Automakers |
 |
A jubilant Ford Motor CEO announced Tuesday that his company's results for the second quarter of 2007 exceeded expectations by more than 22%. Speaking to analysts at an investor conference in New Mexico, Ford CEO Ken Powers attributed the performance improvement to "synergies realized from various operations, particularly in the Middle East."
Equity analysts pressed Powers for more detail on the unexpected improvement and he was forced to concede that essentially all of the company's recent growth had occurred in the Iraq market. According to Dubai Bank analyst Asim Habad, Iraq has sharply increased automobile imports since the start of sectarian violence there. |
"With anywhere from 14 to 25 car bombs detonating daily, the total number of bombed cars for a given fiscal quarter can be huge. Car bombers are desperate to maintain a good vehicle inventory, and that is getting tougher every day."
Explosives experts have noted that Ford's widely known quality problems could work in its favor in the Iraq market. Explosives technician Andy Smith works with a professional demolition firm in Kentucky. Based on his experience, a poorly built Ford offers 72% more shrapnel than a Toyota or Honda. "The velocity of the shrapnel is also much higher. It's like they're built to explode", he said. |
| |
Muslims Angered Over Jimmy Dean's New 'Mohammad' Breakfast Flavor |
 |
Executives at Jimmy Dean were on the PR defensive Wednesday after their newly released ' Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick - Mohammed Flavor' was met with fierce opposition from Muslims worldwide.
Jimmy Dean, a subsidiary of food giant Sara Lee, introduced the controversial new flavor last week. The release piggybacked an unprecedented marketing campaign which included a heavy rotation of television advertisements. These spots describe the Mohammed flavor as "a fanatical burst of righteous deliciousness". Shortly after the ads began airing, a firestorm of criticism erupted from the Muslim-dominated Middle East. Protests were reported in several countries and a worldwide boycott is reportedly in the planning stages.
"We conducted several marketing studies to gauge the effectiveness of this flavor campaign. Nobody in our test group from Tennessee objected to the flavor's unique title" said Jimmy Dean marketing director Ken Smythe. |
He added, "to be honest, we were hoping this new flavor would make strong inroads into the elusive Muslim demographic. Boy were we wrong."
As the controversy gathered strength, protests began to take a violent turn in Pakistan late Thursday. In the port city of Durbahn, protestors attempted to burn a shipment of Jimmy Dean goods as they were unloaded at a shipping terminal. When flames engulfed the cargo containers, the smell of delicious sausage spread throughout the city, inciting hunger-induced riots. As of early Saturday, authorities had made little progress in quelling the sausage-fueled uprising. |
| |
 |
Opting for an unusually conspicuous communication form, God held a brief press conference today to "set the record straight" regarding a surge of religious offshoots embracing violence and the suppression of women's rights. <read more>
|
| |
|
Extremist Muslims Under-React to Minor Slight |
| Four days ago, Finnish newspaper Finn Times printed an article critical of the Islamic faith. In it, author Jim Caran discussed the destabilizing effects the Islamic faith has had on the modern world. He lambasted Middle East governments for fueling religious strife and even went so far as to call Mohammad a 'poisonous prophet'. Shortly after publication, the article was criticized by popular Islam publication, 'Muslim Standard' as well as a commentator on the Al Jazeera television network. Reaction from extremist Muslims was swift and decisive. A group of protestors quietly held signs outside the Finnish embassy in Saudi Arabia while a handful of Islamic scholars published an evenhanded rebuttal to the offending article. Former Islamic protestor Hussein Geeza offered some insight into the uncharacteristically civil extremist Muslim response. "The whole violent protest thing has been played out. Last month I burned my hand lighting an effigy of the Statue of Liberty and it took three weeks to heal. I really had trouble sleeping because of the pain", he said. |
| |
|
Baghdad High School Mascot Kidnapped, Beheaded by Rivals |
| Marking the latest escalation in Iraq violence, Fluffy, the Baghdad High mascot was kidnapped at gunpoint Wednesday in a daring daylight raid. Fluffy, described by students as the 'greatest mascot in all of Iraq', was headed to a school pep rally when the kidnapping took place. "We were in the gymnasium waiting for Fluffy to arrive with the spirit stick when gunshots rang out. I just know the infidels at Desertside High are responsible", said Omar Chalbi, a Baghdad High senior. Baghdad High and Desertside High have been locked in a month long rivalry which will culminate Friday in a soccer match between the two schools. Last year, Baghdad High students gained notoriety for spray painting, "Allah frowns upon Desertside" on the Desertside High soccer field. Desertside students later vowed to get revenge on Baghdad High. Thursday evening, a videotape was submitted to the Al Jazeera television network showing the gruesome decapitation of Fluffy. Responding to the incident, Baghdad High students claimed they were preparing several 'martyrs' to take down Desertside. Baghdad police commissioner Momar Aldah cautioned, "this reminds me of my own time in highschool. Those were the days." |
| |
|
On-Star Service Criticized for Outsourcing Call Center to India |
| On-Star subscriber Mary Richards was surprised to find Tuesday that the company recently reorganized its call center, shifting all operations to India. Richard's discovered the move after driving her Ford minivan off a highway and into a ravine. "After the van rolled six times down an embankment, the On-Star operator come on and asked me, in very broken English, if I was ok. At first I was relieved that the service had been notified that my airbag had deployed, but things only went downhill from there", she said. According to Richards, the Indian operator had trouble understanding her requests to 'call 911 now'. Instead, the operator repeatedly unlocked and locked the van's doors. Richards said, "Before I knew it, I was lying there yelling at On-Star to call an ambulance and leave the stupid door locks alone. However, the operator couldn't understand what I was saying so he gave me directions to the nearest McDonalds instead. It was horrific." Fortunately, a nearby pedestrian heard Richards yelling at the On-Star operator, and located the overturned van. Richards suffered only minor injuries in the accident, but has declined to renew her On-Star service agreement. |
| |
|
Bantu Tribesman Converts Christians With Promise of Hammock |
| Gin Ku Poyahah, a controversial South African tribal leader, was recently criticized for his efforts to convert Christians to Soul God Worship, a dwindling religion practiced by six small tribes in Tanzania. Soul God Worship has experienced declining membership due to the large influx of Christian missionaries which the region absorbed in the late 70s and early 80s. As a result, many Soul God followers converted to Christianity after exposure to modern day luxuries such as candy and clothing. Since 2003, Poyahah has been pursuing converts at the Atlanta International Airport by promising air travelers Bantu luxuries such as tooth cleaning sticks, hammocks and rudimentary pottery. To date, Poyahah has successfully recruited three Sun God followers. Local Christian leaders described Poyahah's tactics as 'pathetic and disturbing'. |
| |
|
New Pope Secures $83 Million Compensation Package |
The Vatican revealed today that Pope Benedict XVI, who succeeded Pope John Paul II, was awarded $83 million in total compensation, to be paid over a term of 15 years. The compensation package includes $2 million in annual salary, $1.5 million in annual retirement contributions, and Catholicism stock options valued at nearly $43 million. Pope Benedict will also be eligible for up to $50 million in stock awards if he hits annual performance targets. Other benefits include exclusive use of the Pope-mobile, personal use of Vatican aircraft and the opportunity to appoint Sainthood to the Beatle of his choice (provided it is not Ringo Starr). |
| |
 |
Study: American Rioters Outperform French Counterparts |
| A research paper prepared by the International Safety Council revealed that American riots, on average, have been 275% more destructive than French riots. Researcher Jean Smith interpreted the results, "while the French made recent strides in rioting efficiency, they were still far outmatched by American rioters. In fact, it takes nearly four French rioters to constitute the destructive power of a single American rioter." Sociologist Kevin Smart indicated that numerous large scale riots and an unusual tendency towards violence may have given America its edge. In a written statement, Los Angeles rioter Calvin Gefford said, "Those French fools ain't got nothin' on us. We tear #$%! up." |
| |
|
 |
Planet Earth Infested with Homo Sapiens |
| Lamenting its poor health and flagging moral, planets Mars, Saturn and Neptune decided Wednesday to hold a intervention with Earth. "Nobody wanted to admit it, but Earth has really let the Homo Sapien issue get out of control. We really had no choice but to confront this" Neptune said. According to intervention specialist ,Venus, the meeting went well. Saturn added that, "Earth did agree to increase the frequency of natural disasters to thin out the population a bit. We also suggested raising the temperature in the hopes of flooding out some of the infection." Venus was especially hopeful that in the future, "Earth will get clean and stay clean, like Mars did." |
| |
 |
ADD Suicide Bomber Detonates in Bedroom |
| Aspiring suicide bomber Surah Al-Fadar, 19, detonated his explosive vest Wednesday afternoon in the upstairs bedroom of his family's house just outside London. "It's a darn good thing he didn't make it into a populated area before setting this thing off or it could have been nasty" said police superintendent Jim Duffy. Al-Fadar was believed to have suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder, widely known as ADD. According to police psychologist Jane Johnson, "people with ADD often have difficulty grasping the concept of delayed gratification. Surah may not have been able to resist the urge to use his explosive vest right away." An unidentified UK parcel service confirmed the delivery of a package to Al-Fadar roughly ten minutes before the explosion. |
| |
 |
Study Finds Iraq Overflowing with WMDs |
| A recent United Nations sponsored report shows that nearly every major city in Iraq contains hundreds of WMDs. "This report clearly illustrates the danger Iraq poses to its neighbors", said chief statistician Almar Chalma. "In the past two and a half years, the number of B-52 Stratofortress bombers has increased 20,000 percent. You don't even want to see the figures I have illustrating the proliferation of Abrams Battle Tanks here. It's outrageous." In a White House press conference, President Bush stated, "whether we bring our enemies to justice, or WMDs to our enemies, we will never give in to terrorist demands." Asked which terrorists he was referring to, Bush added, "bring em' on." |
 |
Al-Qaeda Motion to Ban Terrorist Activity Vetoed by Bin Laden |
| At the 2005 Al Qaeda Annual Meeting, US delegate Bobby Johnson proposed a motion that the organization immediately cease all terrorism projects and refocus efforts on community service. After some deliberation, the proposal was put to a vote. However, ranking member Osama Bin Laden, who was participating via webcam, immediately objected, "There will be plenty of time to spruce up neighborhood parks after the infidels are killed. Besides, we already blew our 2005 dues on Anthrax." |
| |
|
FACTilla.com
