Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Scientists to Study Effects of NASCAR on Rainforest
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Dumb Baby Thinks Remote Control Is Food
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Justice Department Disrupts Terror Plot To Attack US Capitol Building
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Hailed as the second disruption of a major terror plot in the past month, the US Justice Department announced Wednesday that it had arrested five suspects in the planning stages of a major terrorist attack in Washington DC. The suspects, all students at Lakeside Elementary School in Stockton, VA, have been under close FBI surveillance for the past seventeen months. According to warrants, detailed attack plans targeting the US Capitol building were devised at a class recess in early March 2006. Authorities were alerted to the group's plans after one of the suspects expressed strong anti-US sentiments in a class discussion, in which he referred to President Bush as "a big poo poo head" and US-Israeli relations as "booger city."
Although ages of the suspects are between 8 and 10 years, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that no chances were being taken, and the suspects had immediately been declared enemy combatants. After being rendered to the US detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay, the suspects were subjected to relentless waterboarding. According to Colonel Kenneth Damon, chief intelligence officer at the base, "the terrorist suspects immediately broke down and began crying for their mommies." He added, " we won't rest until every last piece of information has been waterboarded out of their little heads."
Rap Star Showcases Religious Superiority with Diamond Crucifix
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.