Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
Bush: "Immigrants Must Speak English Fluentically"
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
North Korean 'Nuclear Device' Actually Made of Diet Coke and Mentos
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
Dumb Baby Thinks Remote Control Is Food
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."