Unsupervised Bush Issues Executive Order Deploying Iron Man to Iraq
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.
Described as a rare lapse of oversight and a severe breakdown in executive power, President Bush was left unsupervised in the Oval Office for a total of 24 minutes Wednesday. Although it is not uncommon for President Bush to be left unsupervised for short periods, it is a generally accepted principle among White House staffers that the President should never spend time alone in a room with writing utensils. Although the exact timeline is still being reconstructed, staffers have revealed that the President was surprisingly productive during the 24 minute interval. Somehow he managed to tear 142 pages from a phone book, break an antique lamp, rip one curtain and issue four executive orders. One of the orders, which was faxed directly to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, called for the US military to "send that red robot who shoots lasers to Iraq so he can kill the terrorists." After some initial confusion, Gates determined that President Bush was referring to a fictional comic book character. This marks the second time President Bush has moved to enlist the aid of a comic book hero. In 2005 he attempted to nominate the Green Lantern to the US Supreme Court.
Dumb Baby Thinks Remote Control Is Food
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Same-Sex Canine Marriage Infuriates Conservative Dog Lovers
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
Rap Star Showcases Religious Superiority with Diamond Crucifix
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.
Rap superstar '1/4 Pounder'' arrived to the 2005 HYPE award show sporting a custom made 5000-carat diamond encrusted crucifix. The $127,000 crucifix was reportedly purchased to help promote 1/4 Pounder's upcoming album, 'Fries Wit' Dat'. Questioned specifically about the new crucifix, 1/4 Pounder responded, "None of this would be possible without the Lord. This crucifix proves that of all rappers, I am closest to God." Responding to those comments, rival rapper 'Z Dog' released a statement stating, "1/4 Pounder is clearly mistaken if he believes that he is the rapper closest to God. I plan to commission a crucifix which will prove, beyond any doubt, that I am closest to the Lord." Also in the news today, 275,000 children starved to death.
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.