Bush: "Immigrants Must Speak English Fluentically"
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
Responding to bi-partisan criticism of his immigration reform proposal, President Bush sought to quell dissent Sunday by insisting that he will establish a high threshold for citizenship. Under the Bush plan, all adult immigrants seeking United States citizenship will be required to pass a comprehensive English language test. Both liberal and conservative activists appeared unhappy with the language proposal, as it seemed designed to sidestep tougher issues such as border control and deportation. In a brief press conference, President Bush noted that, "masterizing the English language will help immigrants assembleate into the US culture."
'Spamming for Jesus' Campaign Short Lived
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Same-Sex Canine Marriage Infuriates Conservative Dog Lovers
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
Conservatives from around the country expressed anger over today's decision by the National Kennel Association to uphold the marriage of Yippy and Mr. Chubs, both male dogs. "Allowing two dogs of the same sex to marry one another opens the doors to all sorts of immoral and deviant behavior", said Pastor Jim Duluth. Although not addressed by the National Kennel Association's marriage guidelines, same-sex marriage was not specifically prohibited. Today's decision clarifies the organizations stance that same-sex dog marriages will be recognized. According to Duluth, " Dog marriage should exist only between male dogs and female dogs, the way God intended."
North Korean 'Nuclear Device' Actually Made of Diet Coke and Mentos
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.