Determined Parent Hunts Missing Child
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Harry Ducworth's life changed on the night of August 14, 2006, when his son, Kyle, went missing. "Kyle went to meet some friends at the local park about a mile from our house. Around 10pm we realized Kyle hadn't returned home and we started looking for him" said Kyle's mother Sandra. Kyle wasn't found after a week of searching by state authorities.
Almost a year later, Harry Ducworth hasn't given up tracking down his lost son. Each evening, he returns to the park where Kyle used to play. There, he waits patiently until early morning, hoping for just a brief glimpse of his son. "That boy's in a mess of trouble. When I bag him, me and his momma are going to give him a mean whippin" Ducworth said.
To aid in Kyle's recovery, Ducworth uses a full arsenal of hunting gear, including tree stands, night vision goggles, bear traps and assault rifles. To date, his efforts have been in vain.
"My friend, Bud, suggested that I try a couple of decoys to draw Kyle out, so I used a few cardboard cutouts of kids shooting baseball and played the sound of children laughing. Kyle never showed but I did trap three neighborhood children. Imagine how I felt trying to talk my way out of that one. Heh"
While most in the Ducworths' community express compassion for their predicament, some are growing wary of the unorthodox methods undertaken to effect Kyle's return. One neighbor, who asked not to be identified, recounted a recent incident. "Two weeks ago I went outside at night to take out the trash and the father, Harry is his name I think...well he was sitting up in a tree with a rifle in his hands. He asked me if I had done anything to neutralize my scent because Kyle has a great sense of smell. He said I would spook him if he was upwind of us. I just stood there for a minute in disbelief and left."
Apathetic Dog Idle as Owner Perishes in Small House Fire
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Tragedy struck the small town of Dorman, Idaho on Friday as resident Kenny Jermaine was killed in a fire at his home. Jermaine, remembered by his friends and neighbors as a kind and generous person, apparently slept as a small fire in a trash can slowly grew out of control. According to fire chief Willie Johnson, Jermaine had ample time to easily escape the fire if only he had awaken. Jermaine's best friend and neighbor was baffled at the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death. "I would never have imagined this happening in a million dang years. Kenny was such a light sleeper, man, he'd wake up at the slightest sound. I don't know why his dog Kelly didn't wake him up or pull him to safety", said Johnson. Kelly, a seven year old golden retriever, spent the hours after the fire curled up under a small tree chewing on a stick. When informed of his owner's demise, the dog paused briefly, then returned to chewing on a stick.
Relatives Report Six Month Old Baby "Not So Big On Hygiene"
Not yet six months old, baby Jessica Arnold has developed several unsavory and unhealthy habits according to various relatives. Aunt Jane Arnold saw the first sign of trouble shortly after Jessica returned home from the hospital. Per Jane, "most of the family came over to see the 'new addition' and we were terribly excited. However, when the family wasn't watching, I saw Jessica stick her hand into her mouth and then proceed wipe spit all over her face and forehead. It was gross." Similar incidents were reported by other family members, including grandmother Dorothy Boyd. "Jessica, as sweet as she is, can be really disgusting at times. One day she was in her rocker and just threw up all over herself. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, she just sat there looking around like nothing was wrong. After ten minutes I had endured enough and cleaned it up for her", Dorothy said. Reached for comment, Jessica was questioned about her bad habits. In a bold display of rebellion, she stared at a ceiling fan and blew spit bubbles.
Not yet six months old, baby Jessica Arnold has developed several unsavory and unhealthy habits according to various relatives. Aunt Jane Arnold saw the first sign of trouble shortly after Jessica returned home from the hospital. Per Jane, "most of the family came over to see the 'new addition' and we were terribly excited. However, when the family wasn't watching, I saw Jessica stick her hand into her mouth and then proceed wipe spit all over her face and forehead. It was gross." Similar incidents were reported by other family members, including grandmother Dorothy Boyd. "Jessica, as sweet as she is, can be really disgusting at times. One day she was in her rocker and just threw up all over herself. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, she just sat there looking around like nothing was wrong. After ten minutes I had endured enough and cleaned it up for her", Dorothy said. Reached for comment, Jessica was questioned about her bad habits. In a bold display of rebellion, she stared at a ceiling fan and blew spit bubbles.
Child Experts Concerned Over Latest Fad: Dog Choking
Believed to have originated in Northeast Ohio, a wave of unprovoked dog choking incidents have recently been reported by terrified parents across the US. The chokings are only the latest in a disturbing trend of what child psychologists have dubbed 'shock fads', which are quickly becoming a popular method for children and teens to scare parents. "I came home from work, and my eight year old son was choking our poor dog Molly in the den. It was horrible, the dog nearly died" said an unidentified mother. Experts have warned parents to brace for the worst as this unusual fad continues to gather momentum. According to Will Traxler of the Child Violence Institute, "kids today think that choking dogs is fun, which it is. However, children should not be allowed to choke pets without adult supervision."
Believed to have originated in Northeast Ohio, a wave of unprovoked dog choking incidents have recently been reported by terrified parents across the US. The chokings are only the latest in a disturbing trend of what child psychologists have dubbed 'shock fads', which are quickly becoming a popular method for children and teens to scare parents. "I came home from work, and my eight year old son was choking our poor dog Molly in the den. It was horrible, the dog nearly died" said an unidentified mother. Experts have warned parents to brace for the worst as this unusual fad continues to gather momentum. According to Will Traxler of the Child Violence Institute, "kids today think that choking dogs is fun, which it is. However, children should not be allowed to choke pets without adult supervision."
100% of Trailer Park Residents Pro-Life, Pro-Wrestling
A recent survey by the Lew Research Foundation found that 100% of Shadow Oaks Trailer Park residence vehemently oppose the right to abortion. The same survey found that 100% of the residents also attended a professional wrestling event within the past 12 months. Reached for comment, park resident Kyle Zimmons elaborated on the survey, "My daddy told me two things before he died. First, he said don't abort no babies. Second, he said ain't nobody gonna ever top the Nature Boy on account of his figure four leglock." Research leader Mark Stiles echoed Zimmons' account, "although respondents strongly opposed abortion rights, they did agree with the right to spine-buster an opponent while the referee wasn't looking."
A recent survey by the Lew Research Foundation found that 100% of Shadow Oaks Trailer Park residence vehemently oppose the right to abortion. The same survey found that 100% of the residents also attended a professional wrestling event within the past 12 months. Reached for comment, park resident Kyle Zimmons elaborated on the survey, "My daddy told me two things before he died. First, he said don't abort no babies. Second, he said ain't nobody gonna ever top the Nature Boy on account of his figure four leglock." Research leader Mark Stiles echoed Zimmons' account, "although respondents strongly opposed abortion rights, they did agree with the right to spine-buster an opponent while the referee wasn't looking."
Study: Waffle House Host to 65% of All U.S. Shootings
In a study scheduled for publication in the Journal of Applied Criminal Conduct, Dr. Gary Newcastle of Tampa University concluded that US restaurant chain Waffle House has played host to nearly 42,000 shootings. The study examined more than 30 years of data and focused on firearm assaults which either occurred at a Waffle House facility or directly resulted from a dispute originating at a Waffle House.
Although Newcastle was able to identify a correlation between the restaurant and firearm assaults, his research team was unable to pinpoint the specific characteristics that made Waffle House restaurants so appealing for armed confrontation.
"We were never able to answer the question of 'why Waffle House?' Was it the low quality food? The lack of cleanliness or maybe the awful music?", Newcastle pondered.
The failure to answer these questions wasn't for a lack of effort, said research assistant James Davis. "Two of our researchers were stabbed by a trucker named 'Big Eddie' one night and a third researcher was hit in the face with a glass ketchup bottle on two non-consecutive occasions", Davis said. "Unfortunately, we were only researching firearm assaults, so the data we gathered was essentially useless."
In a study scheduled for publication in the Journal of Applied Criminal Conduct, Dr. Gary Newcastle of Tampa University concluded that US restaurant chain Waffle House has played host to nearly 42,000 shootings. The study examined more than 30 years of data and focused on firearm assaults which either occurred at a Waffle House facility or directly resulted from a dispute originating at a Waffle House.
Although Newcastle was able to identify a correlation between the restaurant and firearm assaults, his research team was unable to pinpoint the specific characteristics that made Waffle House restaurants so appealing for armed confrontation.
"We were never able to answer the question of 'why Waffle House?' Was it the low quality food? The lack of cleanliness or maybe the awful music?", Newcastle pondered.
The failure to answer these questions wasn't for a lack of effort, said research assistant James Davis. "Two of our researchers were stabbed by a trucker named 'Big Eddie' one night and a third researcher was hit in the face with a glass ketchup bottle on two non-consecutive occasions", Davis said. "Unfortunately, we were only researching firearm assaults, so the data we gathered was essentially useless."
Shoppers Unsure If Man Is Home Depot Employee, Homeless, or Both
Patrons of a Home Depot store in Macon, GA were puzzled Saturday by the presence of an intoxicated, unkempt man shuffling through the store's paint section. Shopper Chris Patton approached the man for help in selecting exterior paint. According to Patton, "the guy looked up at me, said 'hold on' and then walked into the bathroom." Patton waited for five minutes and then left the store. He added, "the guy smelled like booze."
A second sighting of the mystery man was reported in the early afternoon, when shopper Curtis Smith was loading lumber to build a dog house.
"I was grabbing some two by fours when, all of the sudden, I saw something move behind the wood stack. At first I thought it was a rat, but it was some guy sleeping. He woke up, and just stared at my while I filled up my cart. Weird."
Other shoppers were questioned about the mysterious man, but most confused him with various store employees. "What, you expect me to remember someone in a Home Depot store who's lazy and intoxicated? You just described 70% of their employees" said one woman. "Yeah, the only reason the other 30% aren't drunk is because they're still in high school" added a nearby shopper.
Patrons of a Home Depot store in Macon, GA were puzzled Saturday by the presence of an intoxicated, unkempt man shuffling through the store's paint section. Shopper Chris Patton approached the man for help in selecting exterior paint. According to Patton, "the guy looked up at me, said 'hold on' and then walked into the bathroom." Patton waited for five minutes and then left the store. He added, "the guy smelled like booze."
A second sighting of the mystery man was reported in the early afternoon, when shopper Curtis Smith was loading lumber to build a dog house.
"I was grabbing some two by fours when, all of the sudden, I saw something move behind the wood stack. At first I thought it was a rat, but it was some guy sleeping. He woke up, and just stared at my while I filled up my cart. Weird."
Other shoppers were questioned about the mysterious man, but most confused him with various store employees. "What, you expect me to remember someone in a Home Depot store who's lazy and intoxicated? You just described 70% of their employees" said one woman. "Yeah, the only reason the other 30% aren't drunk is because they're still in high school" added a nearby shopper.
Hapless KKK Leader Calls For Native Americans to Leave USA
Kenney McWayne, Grand Dragon of the East Columbus chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, announced Saturday a plan to drive all Native Americans from the United States. Reached at his place of business, Kenney's Muffler Emporium, McWayne explained that in the new millennium, it had become necessary to bring hate to previously unhated groups such as the Native American. "For too long these people have had a free pass when it homes to hating. It's time for them to pay their dues", he said.
Asked about details of his plan, McWayne explained that he hoped to, "begin by using federal troops to force those people to to march across the country in a grueling 1,200 mile journey. During the trip, I'd make them live in unsanitary camps with rampant dysentery. Then, I'd force them to live on federal land, away from everyone else so we could keep an eye on them. That's what I'd do for starters."
When it was brought to McWayne's attention that very similar events had already taken place 169 years ago, he seemed both surprised and disappointed. After staring into space for three minutes he said, "Well, looks like its back to the drawing board. Eskimos look out, you could be next."
Kenney McWayne, Grand Dragon of the East Columbus chapter of the Ku Klux Klan, announced Saturday a plan to drive all Native Americans from the United States. Reached at his place of business, Kenney's Muffler Emporium, McWayne explained that in the new millennium, it had become necessary to bring hate to previously unhated groups such as the Native American. "For too long these people have had a free pass when it homes to hating. It's time for them to pay their dues", he said.
Asked about details of his plan, McWayne explained that he hoped to, "begin by using federal troops to force those people to to march across the country in a grueling 1,200 mile journey. During the trip, I'd make them live in unsanitary camps with rampant dysentery. Then, I'd force them to live on federal land, away from everyone else so we could keep an eye on them. That's what I'd do for starters."
When it was brought to McWayne's attention that very similar events had already taken place 169 years ago, he seemed both surprised and disappointed. After staring into space for three minutes he said, "Well, looks like its back to the drawing board. Eskimos look out, you could be next."
Gay Rights Terrorist Kills Eight In 'Fabulous' Bombing
In an apparent response to legislation which would effectively withhold the right of homosexuals to legally marry, a legion of terrorists known as 'Al Gayda' initiated a series of violent bombings Thursday. According to eyewitness reports, one Al Gayda suicide bomber killed eight people at a bus stop in Los Angeles. A witness, Javier Garcia, described the attacks, "me and my friend Antonio were approaching the bus stop when suddenly a man wearing a keen summer ensemble ran towards the bus stop in an exaggerated girl like fashion. When he got to the crowd, he blew himself up. Immediately after the attack, Antonio and I noticed that the air smelled really good for some reason. We figured the bomber must have packed his bomb with potpourri....deadly potpourri that is." Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff was quick to denounce the attacks and stated that additional security measures had been implemented to protect Americans. He added, "we're instructing the public to be very vigilant. If you see someone behaving in a suspicious manner, or if person appears gay, run for your life."
In an apparent response to legislation which would effectively withhold the right of homosexuals to legally marry, a legion of terrorists known as 'Al Gayda' initiated a series of violent bombings Thursday. According to eyewitness reports, one Al Gayda suicide bomber killed eight people at a bus stop in Los Angeles. A witness, Javier Garcia, described the attacks, "me and my friend Antonio were approaching the bus stop when suddenly a man wearing a keen summer ensemble ran towards the bus stop in an exaggerated girl like fashion. When he got to the crowd, he blew himself up. Immediately after the attack, Antonio and I noticed that the air smelled really good for some reason. We figured the bomber must have packed his bomb with potpourri....deadly potpourri that is." Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff was quick to denounce the attacks and stated that additional security measures had been implemented to protect Americans. He added, "we're instructing the public to be very vigilant. If you see someone behaving in a suspicious manner, or if person appears gay, run for your life."
Illegal Immigrants Stealing Best CFO Jobs Say Accounting Experts
Harvard Business School graduate Doyle Smith is not the sort of person you'd expect to meet in an unemployment line, but his tale of woe is becoming all the more common as American businesses strive to cut costs and improve their bottom line. After working for SuperCom for eight years as the company's Chief Financial Officer, Smith was 'displaced' shortly after the company began filling financial oriented positions with Hispanics of what Smith termed, "questionable citizenship status". According to Smith, "one day I come into the office and there's some guy in dirty clothes moving stuff around on my desk. I figured it was a janitor so I asked him to come back later. That's when our company President, Carl Joyner, told me that this guy isn't the janitor, but Carlos Miguel Rosa, the new CFO." Once the shock of his predicament wore off, Smith was instructed to train Rosa in exchange for a two month severance package. "It was unbelievable, the guy didn't speak English so I had to use elementary school flash cards to communicate complex financial transactions. I showed Carlos a calculator and he acted like he had never calculated a ROI figure before. Just incredible " Smith said. In an ironic twist, Smith is now working as a landscaping day laborer.
Harvard Business School graduate Doyle Smith is not the sort of person you'd expect to meet in an unemployment line, but his tale of woe is becoming all the more common as American businesses strive to cut costs and improve their bottom line. After working for SuperCom for eight years as the company's Chief Financial Officer, Smith was 'displaced' shortly after the company began filling financial oriented positions with Hispanics of what Smith termed, "questionable citizenship status". According to Smith, "one day I come into the office and there's some guy in dirty clothes moving stuff around on my desk. I figured it was a janitor so I asked him to come back later. That's when our company President, Carl Joyner, told me that this guy isn't the janitor, but Carlos Miguel Rosa, the new CFO." Once the shock of his predicament wore off, Smith was instructed to train Rosa in exchange for a two month severance package. "It was unbelievable, the guy didn't speak English so I had to use elementary school flash cards to communicate complex financial transactions. I showed Carlos a calculator and he acted like he had never calculated a ROI figure before. Just incredible " Smith said. In an ironic twist, Smith is now working as a landscaping day laborer.
1987 Chevrolet Camaro Prominently Displayed in Front Yard
Beaverton resident Randy Wells recently acquired a used Chevrolet Camaro from longtime friend and car dealer Wesley Fabre. Shortly after the vehicle was secured, Wells decided to store the car in his front yard as opposed to a driveway, "so all my neighbors and passers by will be able to admire the sweet ride" he noted. Several people confirmed their admiration for the car by blowing their horns and signaling a 'thumbs up' gesture to Wells. Asked how long he planned to park the car in his yard, Wells responded, "as long as my Camaro is king of the road...which will be like forever."
Beaverton resident Randy Wells recently acquired a used Chevrolet Camaro from longtime friend and car dealer Wesley Fabre. Shortly after the vehicle was secured, Wells decided to store the car in his front yard as opposed to a driveway, "so all my neighbors and passers by will be able to admire the sweet ride" he noted. Several people confirmed their admiration for the car by blowing their horns and signaling a 'thumbs up' gesture to Wells. Asked how long he planned to park the car in his yard, Wells responded, "as long as my Camaro is king of the road...which will be like forever."
Courageous Man Won't Let Brain Tumor Interfere With Stalking
For most people, facing a serious illness requires a drastic lifestyle change. Those diagnosed with cancer might prepare themselves for grueling chemotherapy. A person battling a life threatening illness might buckle down and fight for dear life. Cliff Roper, a resident of Scantontown, PA, has refused to let a newly diagnosed brain tumor affect his life in any way.
According to Roper, "I just want to continue living my life the way I want to. I'm not going to let a medical affliction take away my freedom." This decision has meant that Roper continues to work every day, attend twice weekly religious services and stalk area resident Kendra Bell three nights a week. According to Roper's brother, Charles, "The day that the doctors told us that Cliff's stalking days were over, I just laughed to myself and thought 'you don't know Cliff Roper!" In an act of bold defiance, Roper held a stalking session that very night.
Roper's advice to others faced with tough circumstances is to "never give up on your dreams. The day you surrender your dreams to anything, be it a restraining order....or a brain tumor, is the day your life just isn't worth living."
For most people, facing a serious illness requires a drastic lifestyle change. Those diagnosed with cancer might prepare themselves for grueling chemotherapy. A person battling a life threatening illness might buckle down and fight for dear life. Cliff Roper, a resident of Scantontown, PA, has refused to let a newly diagnosed brain tumor affect his life in any way.
According to Roper, "I just want to continue living my life the way I want to. I'm not going to let a medical affliction take away my freedom." This decision has meant that Roper continues to work every day, attend twice weekly religious services and stalk area resident Kendra Bell three nights a week. According to Roper's brother, Charles, "The day that the doctors told us that Cliff's stalking days were over, I just laughed to myself and thought 'you don't know Cliff Roper!" In an act of bold defiance, Roper held a stalking session that very night.
Roper's advice to others faced with tough circumstances is to "never give up on your dreams. The day you surrender your dreams to anything, be it a restraining order....or a brain tumor, is the day your life just isn't worth living."
Toughness Credentials Solidified With Tattoo
For months, the Allentown residents have speculated about the mental and physical dexterity of prospective toughguy Kyle Grady. Some believe that he lacks the bad attitude and imposing physical qualities present in most local toughguys. In an attempt to bolster his public persona, Kyle has employed such tactics as posting a 'Fear This' bumper stick on his 1997 Ford F150 and wearing a T-shirt which depicts both a human skull and confederate flag. Both attempts fell short of drawing attention to his toughness. Saturday, in a last ditch effort, Kyle augmented his right bicep with a tattoo of a confusing design with lots of sharp points. According to Grady, "I was real close to choosing a barbed wire tattoo because it looked real tough, but then I saw this wicked scary design and decided that was the generic tattoo for me." A scientific poll of Allentown residents revealed that Grady's tattoo has indeed increased his composite toughness score by a seasonally adjusted 35 basis points.
For months, the Allentown residents have speculated about the mental and physical dexterity of prospective toughguy Kyle Grady. Some believe that he lacks the bad attitude and imposing physical qualities present in most local toughguys. In an attempt to bolster his public persona, Kyle has employed such tactics as posting a 'Fear This' bumper stick on his 1997 Ford F150 and wearing a T-shirt which depicts both a human skull and confederate flag. Both attempts fell short of drawing attention to his toughness. Saturday, in a last ditch effort, Kyle augmented his right bicep with a tattoo of a confusing design with lots of sharp points. According to Grady, "I was real close to choosing a barbed wire tattoo because it looked real tough, but then I saw this wicked scary design and decided that was the generic tattoo for me." A scientific poll of Allentown residents revealed that Grady's tattoo has indeed increased his composite toughness score by a seasonally adjusted 35 basis points.
US Embraces Quantity Over Quality As Population Hits 300m
According to census experts, the US population was scheduled to reach 300 million early Tuesday after just reaching 200 million less than forty years ago. The milestone is a symbol of not only the country's enduring vitality, but also its dedication to aimless expansion. Many pundits have argued that US population growth has placed unreasonable strain on the world's natural and economic resources with no proportional increase in human achievement. Census statistician Carl Scott explained that, "as the US population expands, the percentage of non-productive persons increases at an exponential rate. Sadly, these 'man-sloths', as they are known in academic circles, will continue to grow as a segment of the overall population until all of society collapses under their massive weight. We used to be able to depend on the tobacco industry to keep the man-sloth population in check, but those days are long gone." Others have argued that the increasing number of man-sloth' could bode well for US industry. Senior Bush Administration Economist Kevin Sikes was upbeat, stating that, "caring for and maintaining the man-sloths will be a major growth opportunity in 2035. Already, major corporations like Hardees are creating exciting new products like the Super-Turbo-Monster Burger which directly targets the man-sloth demographic."
According to census experts, the US population was scheduled to reach 300 million early Tuesday after just reaching 200 million less than forty years ago. The milestone is a symbol of not only the country's enduring vitality, but also its dedication to aimless expansion. Many pundits have argued that US population growth has placed unreasonable strain on the world's natural and economic resources with no proportional increase in human achievement. Census statistician Carl Scott explained that, "as the US population expands, the percentage of non-productive persons increases at an exponential rate. Sadly, these 'man-sloths', as they are known in academic circles, will continue to grow as a segment of the overall population until all of society collapses under their massive weight. We used to be able to depend on the tobacco industry to keep the man-sloth population in check, but those days are long gone." Others have argued that the increasing number of man-sloth' could bode well for US industry. Senior Bush Administration Economist Kevin Sikes was upbeat, stating that, "caring for and maintaining the man-sloths will be a major growth opportunity in 2035. Already, major corporations like Hardees are creating exciting new products like the Super-Turbo-Monster Burger which directly targets the man-sloth demographic."
America Marks 9/11 Anniversary With Relentless Profiteering
As Americans braced themselves for the somber anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, many experts speculated that the national mood would be one of quiet, respectful reflection. Those predictions were quickly dashed as corporations began to roll out a seemingly endless number of products designed to tie in with the terrorist attack that took the lives of nearly 3,000 people. In addition to two big-screen movies, twelve made-for-television movies and 354 documentaries, corporate America introduced a total of 1,432 brand new products designed to feed off of 9/11 anniversary hype. This includes 82 new commemorative coins, 433 T-shirt designs, 305 bumper sticker designs, 122 books, and 13 motorcycle models, including the 'We Will Never Forget' Harley Davidson motorcycle (complete with twin tower exhausts). Marketing professor Ken Madison explained that, "America's leading corporations recognize the great opportunity this anniversary presents. The attacks will get huge television coverage so any new 9/11 related product will get loads of free advertising. For example, Proctor and Gamble would be stupid not to introduce 9/11 commemorative toilet paper. It's all about market share"
As Americans braced themselves for the somber anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, many experts speculated that the national mood would be one of quiet, respectful reflection. Those predictions were quickly dashed as corporations began to roll out a seemingly endless number of products designed to tie in with the terrorist attack that took the lives of nearly 3,000 people. In addition to two big-screen movies, twelve made-for-television movies and 354 documentaries, corporate America introduced a total of 1,432 brand new products designed to feed off of 9/11 anniversary hype. This includes 82 new commemorative coins, 433 T-shirt designs, 305 bumper sticker designs, 122 books, and 13 motorcycle models, including the 'We Will Never Forget' Harley Davidson motorcycle (complete with twin tower exhausts). Marketing professor Ken Madison explained that, "America's leading corporations recognize the great opportunity this anniversary presents. The attacks will get huge television coverage so any new 9/11 related product will get loads of free advertising. For example, Proctor and Gamble would be stupid not to introduce 9/11 commemorative toilet paper. It's all about market share"
National Lettuce Output Crippled by Immigration Boycott
Commodities markets worldwide skyrocketed after news broke late Monday that lettuce production plunged by as much as 85% due to a national immigration boycott. In Tokyo, produce prices tripled as a lettuce induced frenzy swept local grocery stores and restaurants. One Tokyo resident described the situation as dire, noting that "street criminals have begun targeting grocery shoppers, stealing heads of lettuce instead of money." Unconfirmed reports out of Argentina stated that a high level US diplomat was kidnapped from her home in Buenos Aires. The kidnappers have demanded 2,000 pounds of lettuce as ransom for her safe return. Economists expect the 'lettuce bubble' to burst soon and return prices to normal levels. The prediction was largely brushed aside by North Carolina farmer Curtis Sheffield. Sheffield, one of a new breed of 'Lettuce Barons' saw his net worth skyrocket from $250,000 to more than $7,500,000 in one afternoon due to the increased value of his lettuce crop, which was harvested late last week. "My prediction is that lettuce prices will stay high for the foreseeable future, sort of like oil" he said. Asked what evidence he had to back the claim, Sheffield respond, "macroeconomics, idiot".
Commodities markets worldwide skyrocketed after news broke late Monday that lettuce production plunged by as much as 85% due to a national immigration boycott. In Tokyo, produce prices tripled as a lettuce induced frenzy swept local grocery stores and restaurants. One Tokyo resident described the situation as dire, noting that "street criminals have begun targeting grocery shoppers, stealing heads of lettuce instead of money." Unconfirmed reports out of Argentina stated that a high level US diplomat was kidnapped from her home in Buenos Aires. The kidnappers have demanded 2,000 pounds of lettuce as ransom for her safe return. Economists expect the 'lettuce bubble' to burst soon and return prices to normal levels. The prediction was largely brushed aside by North Carolina farmer Curtis Sheffield. Sheffield, one of a new breed of 'Lettuce Barons' saw his net worth skyrocket from $250,000 to more than $7,500,000 in one afternoon due to the increased value of his lettuce crop, which was harvested late last week. "My prediction is that lettuce prices will stay high for the foreseeable future, sort of like oil" he said. Asked what evidence he had to back the claim, Sheffield respond, "macroeconomics, idiot".
New Orleans Woes Compounded by Legion of Drunk Idiots
When lifelong New Orleans resident Sara Jenson lost her home to Hurricane Katrina in September, she had to endure what she called, "absolute hell on Earth." Since that time Sara, like many residents, has only just started to pick up the scattered pieces of her life. That recovery was abruptly halted with the invasion of New Orleans by waves of obnoxious and apparently oblivious partygoers celebrating Mardis Gras. "Do you know what its like to have to pick up the remnants of your house with a parade of costumed morons throwing beads and coins at you? It's humiliating", noted Sara. Most partygoers seemed happy to overlook the abject squalor and inhumane conditions most residents are forced to cope with. Self described 'Partymaster' Kevin Doel, a drywall installer from Tennessee punctuated the mood by stating, "We're here getting drunk and vomiting in the street to show our support for the great city of New Orleans." He added, "Wooooooooo!"
When lifelong New Orleans resident Sara Jenson lost her home to Hurricane Katrina in September, she had to endure what she called, "absolute hell on Earth." Since that time Sara, like many residents, has only just started to pick up the scattered pieces of her life. That recovery was abruptly halted with the invasion of New Orleans by waves of obnoxious and apparently oblivious partygoers celebrating Mardis Gras. "Do you know what its like to have to pick up the remnants of your house with a parade of costumed morons throwing beads and coins at you? It's humiliating", noted Sara. Most partygoers seemed happy to overlook the abject squalor and inhumane conditions most residents are forced to cope with. Self described 'Partymaster' Kevin Doel, a drywall installer from Tennessee punctuated the mood by stating, "We're here getting drunk and vomiting in the street to show our support for the great city of New Orleans." He added, "Wooooooooo!"
Schiavo Parents: Terri's Ashes Show Signs of Consciousness
Viewed as the latest twist in a family dispute that has divided the nation, parents of the late Terri Schiavo took to the airwaves Sunday to present the case that Terri's ashes, buried at the East Oaks Cemetery, have shows signs of high-level comprehension. "Terri's ashes have spoken to us on several occasions. She told us that we were right to battle for her life and that she was trying to communicate all along that she wanted to live", said Terri's father, Alex. Michael Schiavo, Terri's former husband, was quick to respond, noting that "Terri's parents habitually exploited her brain-dead body to suit their own means. It is sad that they've decided to exploit her in death as well." Senate Majority Leader Bill First, a physician, stated that, "upon review of the evidence, I believe Terri's ashes have confirmed my initial diagnosis that she was indeed conscious. I'm introducing a bill to have her ashes exhumed and questioned under oath on the Senate floor."
Viewed as the latest twist in a family dispute that has divided the nation, parents of the late Terri Schiavo took to the airwaves Sunday to present the case that Terri's ashes, buried at the East Oaks Cemetery, have shows signs of high-level comprehension. "Terri's ashes have spoken to us on several occasions. She told us that we were right to battle for her life and that she was trying to communicate all along that she wanted to live", said Terri's father, Alex. Michael Schiavo, Terri's former husband, was quick to respond, noting that "Terri's parents habitually exploited her brain-dead body to suit their own means. It is sad that they've decided to exploit her in death as well." Senate Majority Leader Bill First, a physician, stated that, "upon review of the evidence, I believe Terri's ashes have confirmed my initial diagnosis that she was indeed conscious. I'm introducing a bill to have her ashes exhumed and questioned under oath on the Senate floor."
Hood Mounted Wreath Adds Christmas Spirit to Rear End Collision
Moorestown resident Carl Milford was injured in a sever auto accident Friday as his car was rear ended at the Capers St intersection. According to witnesses, a Chevy Astrovan, driven by full time soccer mom Beth Peterson, struck Milford's car as he was stopped at a traffic light. James Jamison witnessed the accident and said he " thought that guy was going to fight the lady when he climbed through his broken window and ran towards the van, but he stopped short when he saw the wreath stuck to his bumber." Milford explained that his "initial rage was replaced by goodwill towards men after seeing the Christmas wreath." He added, "if it wasn't for that wreath, there's no telling what I would have done to that woman."
Moorestown resident Carl Milford was injured in a sever auto accident Friday as his car was rear ended at the Capers St intersection. According to witnesses, a Chevy Astrovan, driven by full time soccer mom Beth Peterson, struck Milford's car as he was stopped at a traffic light. James Jamison witnessed the accident and said he " thought that guy was going to fight the lady when he climbed through his broken window and ran towards the van, but he stopped short when he saw the wreath stuck to his bumber." Milford explained that his "initial rage was replaced by goodwill towards men after seeing the Christmas wreath." He added, "if it wasn't for that wreath, there's no telling what I would have done to that woman."
Gasoline In Tank Worth More Than Car Itself
In the face of rocketing fuel prices, Alabama resident Don Simpson found himself paying $75 to fill the tank on his 1976 Dodge Phantom Tuesday. A recent property tax statement from the Leon County tax office revealed that Simpson's automobile has an assessed value of $65. "It just burns me up, having to put more gasoline in that thing than it's worth. I don't know whether to be madder at the gas station attendant for the high gas prices or to be madder at myself for dropping out of sixth grade to pursue a career in digging," Simpson said. Asked whether he planned to curtail his future gasoline purchases, Simpson remained defiant, "I'm not going to give the gas barons the satisfaction."
In the face of rocketing fuel prices, Alabama resident Don Simpson found himself paying $75 to fill the tank on his 1976 Dodge Phantom Tuesday. A recent property tax statement from the Leon County tax office revealed that Simpson's automobile has an assessed value of $65. "It just burns me up, having to put more gasoline in that thing than it's worth. I don't know whether to be madder at the gas station attendant for the high gas prices or to be madder at myself for dropping out of sixth grade to pursue a career in digging," Simpson said. Asked whether he planned to curtail his future gasoline purchases, Simpson remained defiant, "I'm not going to give the gas barons the satisfaction."
Thousands Inconvenienced by Fatal Wreck
For thousands of Atlanta residents, the Tuesday morning commute was unnecessarily prolonged by a traffic accident caused by Tamika Jefferson. Jefferson was killed in the accident. "I don't understand what's taking so long to get this accident cleared off the road", said accounts payable clerk Jim Curtis. He added, "We're approaching month end, and I have a ton of work to do." Curtis' frustration was echoed by other commuters, "Yes, this was a bad accident, but life goes on for the thousands of us not involved in it. I have email to check" said drywall salesman Thomas Smith. Atlanta PD Accident Coordinator Kenny Anderson apologized for the traffic delay, noting that, "whenever a vehicular fatality occurs, we have to take a lot of extra steps in the accident investigation. It's really a huge inconvenience for us too."
For thousands of Atlanta residents, the Tuesday morning commute was unnecessarily prolonged by a traffic accident caused by Tamika Jefferson. Jefferson was killed in the accident. "I don't understand what's taking so long to get this accident cleared off the road", said accounts payable clerk Jim Curtis. He added, "We're approaching month end, and I have a ton of work to do." Curtis' frustration was echoed by other commuters, "Yes, this was a bad accident, but life goes on for the thousands of us not involved in it. I have email to check" said drywall salesman Thomas Smith. Atlanta PD Accident Coordinator Kenny Anderson apologized for the traffic delay, noting that, "whenever a vehicular fatality occurs, we have to take a lot of extra steps in the accident investigation. It's really a huge inconvenience for us too."
Red Lobster CEO Plots World Domination With 'Irresistible Shrimp'
"It only happens once a year. Red Lobster brings you the irresistible, freshly prepared shrimp you crave." According to top CIA analysts, these words represent the opening salvo for world domination fired by Red Lobster CEO Ken Schlatz. The restaurant chain, popularized for its quality sea food and affordable pricing, plans to roll out a new 'irresistible shrimp' menu item this week.
Experts have been closely monitoring developments within Red Lobster for several months. Suspicions were raised when an operative uncovered the world domination plot at a family outing. According to the operative, "my family and I were driving to Buffalo and we stopped off the interstate at a Red Lobster restaurant. As we were talking with the waitress, she mentioned an upcoming special which involved 'irresistible shrimp'. Immediately, my veteran CIA mind kicked into gear. I ran the numbers on a napkin and determined that Red Lobster could leverage its 'irresistible shrimp' into a weapon of unimaginable power."
Once alerted, CIA agents reviewed import activity for Red Lobster. Agents found that the company had
recently imported 17 tons of shrimp from Canadian fisherman. According to CIA Director Ken Halto, "Our mouths dropped when we saw the amount of shrimp Red Lobster had amassed."
Also listed on the shipping manifest were 55,000 M-16 assault rifles, 18,000 missile launchers, 42 Abrams battle tanks and one Roosevelt-class aircraft carrier.
According to a classified CIA memo, the unsuspecting public will be lured to the restaurant locations with 'irresistible shrimp' and conscripted into a Red Lobster military unit. A CIA mole within the company claims that "once people fall under the spell of the 'irresistible shrimp', it's simply a matter of time before they abandon their identity and begin taking orders from Red Lobster. The restaurant's shrimp are so delicious that there is nothing people won't do for them. They'll kill their family, attack their neighbor, and launch guerilla assaults from the jungles of Cambodia. The shrimp are irresistible ."
This isn't the first time a nationwide restaurant chain has launched a bid for global domination. In early 2002, The Olive Garden chain attempted to establish a military foothold in Wyoming with its 'Never-Ending Pasta Bowl'. The attempt was eventually thwarted with a low-level tactical nuclear strike. According to those involved in the skirmish, the local National Guard was nearly overwhelmed by the unrelenting pasta.
"It only happens once a year. Red Lobster brings you the irresistible, freshly prepared shrimp you crave." According to top CIA analysts, these words represent the opening salvo for world domination fired by Red Lobster CEO Ken Schlatz. The restaurant chain, popularized for its quality sea food and affordable pricing, plans to roll out a new 'irresistible shrimp' menu item this week.
Experts have been closely monitoring developments within Red Lobster for several months. Suspicions were raised when an operative uncovered the world domination plot at a family outing. According to the operative, "my family and I were driving to Buffalo and we stopped off the interstate at a Red Lobster restaurant. As we were talking with the waitress, she mentioned an upcoming special which involved 'irresistible shrimp'. Immediately, my veteran CIA mind kicked into gear. I ran the numbers on a napkin and determined that Red Lobster could leverage its 'irresistible shrimp' into a weapon of unimaginable power."
Once alerted, CIA agents reviewed import activity for Red Lobster. Agents found that the company had
recently imported 17 tons of shrimp from Canadian fisherman. According to CIA Director Ken Halto, "Our mouths dropped when we saw the amount of shrimp Red Lobster had amassed."
Also listed on the shipping manifest were 55,000 M-16 assault rifles, 18,000 missile launchers, 42 Abrams battle tanks and one Roosevelt-class aircraft carrier.
According to a classified CIA memo, the unsuspecting public will be lured to the restaurant locations with 'irresistible shrimp' and conscripted into a Red Lobster military unit. A CIA mole within the company claims that "once people fall under the spell of the 'irresistible shrimp', it's simply a matter of time before they abandon their identity and begin taking orders from Red Lobster. The restaurant's shrimp are so delicious that there is nothing people won't do for them. They'll kill their family, attack their neighbor, and launch guerilla assaults from the jungles of Cambodia. The shrimp are irresistible ."
This isn't the first time a nationwide restaurant chain has launched a bid for global domination. In early 2002, The Olive Garden chain attempted to establish a military foothold in Wyoming with its 'Never-Ending Pasta Bowl'. The attempt was eventually thwarted with a low-level tactical nuclear strike. According to those involved in the skirmish, the local National Guard was nearly overwhelmed by the unrelenting pasta.
Weird Van Parked Across the Street
Alphretta resident Dorthy Burgess has been concerned about the presence of a brown, mid 80s model Ford van which has been parked across from her house for over a week. "I asked my neighbor Clarice if the van belonged to her, but she said no." The subject van, which bears a Minnesota license plate and "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker, has mystified local homeowners. Contacted recently, Burgess offered a guess as to who the van belonged to, "It must be gypsies. Clarice says they drive vans."
Alphretta resident Dorthy Burgess has been concerned about the presence of a brown, mid 80s model Ford van which has been parked across from her house for over a week. "I asked my neighbor Clarice if the van belonged to her, but she said no." The subject van, which bears a Minnesota license plate and "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker, has mystified local homeowners. Contacted recently, Burgess offered a guess as to who the van belonged to, "It must be gypsies. Clarice says they drive vans."
Smith Trading Co Catalog Pinpoints Collapse of Modern Society
The Fall 2005 Smith Trading Co catalog will be considered by future historians as the document which conclusively signifies the collapse of society. "Historians have debated the exact point where the societal pendulum began to swing back towards the middle ages", noted Alpha 03435, renowned historian of the 35th century. The catalog in question included items such as 'Crack Filler' pants (a longtail T-shirt to hide 'plumber's butt') and 'Tire Chains for Your Feet' (a snow attachment for shoes). Alpha 03435 added, "we just can't imagine any society which produces this garbage moving forward."
The Fall 2005 Smith Trading Co catalog will be considered by future historians as the document which conclusively signifies the collapse of society. "Historians have debated the exact point where the societal pendulum began to swing back towards the middle ages", noted Alpha 03435, renowned historian of the 35th century. The catalog in question included items such as 'Crack Filler' pants (a longtail T-shirt to hide 'plumber's butt') and 'Tire Chains for Your Feet' (a snow attachment for shoes). Alpha 03435 added, "we just can't imagine any society which produces this garbage moving forward."