Scientists to Study Effects of NASCAR on Rainforest
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Hailed as a major leap forward in wasteful science, top researchers from the National Science Institute announced a plan Tuesday to begin an exhaustive study of the delicate interaction between NASCAR racing and the tropical rainforest. The initiative was aided by a grant from the Greg Biffle Quantitative Studies Trust, which was established by the racecar driver to promote scientific endeavor. According to Biffle, "As a NASCAR driver, I'm intimately aware of the scientific challenges facing mankind. During my time in this world, I hope to make a small contribution to the advancement of scientific principles." He added, "fast cars are cool."
The study is expected to begin late this Fall, after the NASCAR racing circut ships 32 fully outfitted stock racing cars to, Aldavo National Forest in Brazil.
The forest, located 120 miles from the nearest town, is regarded by conservationists as one of the last unspoiled places on Earth. Scientists with the National Science Institute plan to bulldoze a 2 mile track through the rainforest which will serve as the primary testing area. "We chose this spot due to the dense forestation and incredible number of species which thrive in the area" said lead scientist Hal Olson. Research teams will study the impact of incredibly loud cars barreling through the rainforest at breakneck speeds. "There is a special species of monkey found only in this forest. They have these huge ears and we just can't wait to see how they react to Jeff Gordon blasting through their sanctuary at 123 mph. It's going to be so sweet", said Olson.
The cars are expected to shatter the fragile forest ecosystem and scientists will track how quickly the native animals flee or die off. Some scientists are refering to the project as an 'anthropological supercollider' and have high hopes that the resulting data could lead to cures for diseases such as Drifting Eye Syndrome and Geriatric ADD.
Michael Vick: Dogs Were Electrocuted In Self-Defense
NFL star Michael Vick greeted reporters Monday in an attempt to ease mounting outrage over his alleged involvement in organized dogfighting. In an impromptu press conference, Vick explained that his role in the deaths of eight dogs was greatly exaggerated.
"I would never willingly hurt a dog. However, in eight non-consecutive instances, I was forced to defend myself from dog attacks. In each of those instances, the death of the attacking dog resulted."
Vick was immediately challenged by reporters and questioned about the plausibility of a single person suffering eight dog attacks. Vick responded, "the dog is a very unpredictable creature and prone to attack without warning or provocation. Dogs are actually descendant from wolves, you know." Vick then shot an approving glance to a member of his entourage, who returned it with a 'thumbs up' gesture.
Reporters then asked Vick to explain why authorities believe several dogs were killed by electrocution. "Obviously, I was attacked by those dogs near the circuit breaker box in my garage. In the process of defending myself, the dogs got caught up in the wiring and suffered fatal electric shocks. I regret the deaths. As you can plainly see, I had no choice.", Vick said.
Representatives from the National Humane Society and PETA applauded Vick's courage in clearing the air with respect to the dog fighting allegations. "We were very happy to hear that Mr. Vick did not willfully harm any of the animals in question. Many people electrocute dogs to impress friends and relatives. Fortunately, Vick is not one of these people", said PETA director Chris Leroach. "We wish Michael the very best. He is truly a friend to animals."
NFL star Michael Vick greeted reporters Monday in an attempt to ease mounting outrage over his alleged involvement in organized dogfighting. In an impromptu press conference, Vick explained that his role in the deaths of eight dogs was greatly exaggerated.
"I would never willingly hurt a dog. However, in eight non-consecutive instances, I was forced to defend myself from dog attacks. In each of those instances, the death of the attacking dog resulted."
Vick was immediately challenged by reporters and questioned about the plausibility of a single person suffering eight dog attacks. Vick responded, "the dog is a very unpredictable creature and prone to attack without warning or provocation. Dogs are actually descendant from wolves, you know." Vick then shot an approving glance to a member of his entourage, who returned it with a 'thumbs up' gesture.
Reporters then asked Vick to explain why authorities believe several dogs were killed by electrocution. "Obviously, I was attacked by those dogs near the circuit breaker box in my garage. In the process of defending myself, the dogs got caught up in the wiring and suffered fatal electric shocks. I regret the deaths. As you can plainly see, I had no choice.", Vick said.
Representatives from the National Humane Society and PETA applauded Vick's courage in clearing the air with respect to the dog fighting allegations. "We were very happy to hear that Mr. Vick did not willfully harm any of the animals in question. Many people electrocute dogs to impress friends and relatives. Fortunately, Vick is not one of these people", said PETA director Chris Leroach. "We wish Michael the very best. He is truly a friend to animals."
Steroid Stocks Surge as Baseball Season Approaches
Pharmaceutical manufacturer Advsant announced Wednesday that first quarter earnings were expected to exceed analyst expectations by up to $0.15 per share. On a conference call with investors, CEO Ken Drummond attributed the improved results to a decline in R&D spending combined with a 730% increase in human growth hormone sales. Drummond stated that, "our new X250L growth stimulant is designed to help cancer patients rebuild muscle tissues lost during chemotherapy. Although we've yet to understand it, our sales begin to climb in early March and plateau until September." Questioned whether the sales trend mirrored the professional baseball season, Drummond was quick to dispel the notion that Advsant's products were used by athletes, "our largest customer isn't a pro athlete. In fact he's a brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, melanoma, prostate cancer and lung cancer survivor. Barry Zonds of San Francisco, if you're listening, we're all pulling for you to win your battle with thyroid cancer."
Pharmaceutical manufacturer Advsant announced Wednesday that first quarter earnings were expected to exceed analyst expectations by up to $0.15 per share. On a conference call with investors, CEO Ken Drummond attributed the improved results to a decline in R&D spending combined with a 730% increase in human growth hormone sales. Drummond stated that, "our new X250L growth stimulant is designed to help cancer patients rebuild muscle tissues lost during chemotherapy. Although we've yet to understand it, our sales begin to climb in early March and plateau until September." Questioned whether the sales trend mirrored the professional baseball season, Drummond was quick to dispel the notion that Advsant's products were used by athletes, "our largest customer isn't a pro athlete. In fact he's a brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, melanoma, prostate cancer and lung cancer survivor. Barry Zonds of San Francisco, if you're listening, we're all pulling for you to win your battle with thyroid cancer."
Olympic Curling Team Wins Gold Medal for Boring
The Danish Curling Team secured an upset victory Tuesday over a Czech Republic team which was heavily favored to win Gold. The audience reacted to the win with an enormous sigh as most members were simply attending the match to secure good seats for an upcoming speed skating event. Audience member Shane Durane from the United States explained that, "its unreal that people consider this a sport. Some bozo sitting behind me called it chess on ice. I don't recall there being two morons with brooms sweeping the ground in chess." This frustration was shared by many other attendees, including Olga Shohlom of Germany who said, "I thought I was buying tickets to a weightlifting event. I never knew curling even existed and I yearn to return to the days when that was still the case."
The Danish Curling Team secured an upset victory Tuesday over a Czech Republic team which was heavily favored to win Gold. The audience reacted to the win with an enormous sigh as most members were simply attending the match to secure good seats for an upcoming speed skating event. Audience member Shane Durane from the United States explained that, "its unreal that people consider this a sport. Some bozo sitting behind me called it chess on ice. I don't recall there being two morons with brooms sweeping the ground in chess." This frustration was shared by many other attendees, including Olga Shohlom of Germany who said, "I thought I was buying tickets to a weightlifting event. I never knew curling even existed and I yearn to return to the days when that was still the case."
Mike Tyson Assaults Cameraman, Loses in Split Decision
A brawl outside South American nightclub 'El Diablo' Thursday night resulted in Mike Tyson's third straight boxing defeat. The fight started as Tyson was exiting the club and attempting to enter a vehicle. Cameraman Luis Volho tripped Tyson as he was positioning himself to film the boxer. Three bystanders who witnessed the scuffle scored the fight 29-28 Volho, 30-28 Tyson and 30-29 Volho, handing Mike Tyson yet another embarrassing defeat. Commenting on his split decision victory, Volho said, "Tyson actually hit like a girl. Throughout the whole fight it was abundantly clear that his best days are behind him." Volho's manager noted that his next opponent, scheduled for July 2006, will be taxi driver Carlos Reyes.
A brawl outside South American nightclub 'El Diablo' Thursday night resulted in Mike Tyson's third straight boxing defeat. The fight started as Tyson was exiting the club and attempting to enter a vehicle. Cameraman Luis Volho tripped Tyson as he was positioning himself to film the boxer. Three bystanders who witnessed the scuffle scored the fight 29-28 Volho, 30-28 Tyson and 30-29 Volho, handing Mike Tyson yet another embarrassing defeat. Commenting on his split decision victory, Volho said, "Tyson actually hit like a girl. Throughout the whole fight it was abundantly clear that his best days are behind him." Volho's manager noted that his next opponent, scheduled for July 2006, will be taxi driver Carlos Reyes.