Lexus Now Offering Bush Campaign Stickers As A Standard Option on SUVs
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
As a company, Lexus is well known among car industry experts for its relentless pursuit of customer satisfaction. True to form, the company announced Friday new efforts to extend its lead in the luxury vehicle market. Lexus Senior Marketing Manager Tim Bruston revealed plans to include 'George W Bush 2004' campaign stickers on all SUV models. According to Bruston, "this is an aftermarket enhancement that that is extremely popular with our clientele. By integrating these stickers into our manufacturing process, we are saving valuable time for our customers."
Executives at Ford and General Motors were quick to respond to the Lexus move. Engineers at both companies were dispatched to local assembly plants to begin the process of integrating Bush stickers into popular SUV models. According to representatives, US plants should be capable of producing new 'Bush model' SUVs sometime in 2012.
Dumb Baby Thinks Remote Control Is Food
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
Frederick Alliston, a nineteen month old baby boy from East Brunswick, irreparably damaged his reputation Friday after attempting to consume a Panasonic remote control. The incident occurred while he was being bathed by his mother, Sarah. According to Sarah, "I turned my back for ten seconds to get some shampoo, and I turned back around to see little Freddy trying to eat the remote control to our DVD player." Prior to the incident, Sarah Alliston had hoped her young son would be accepted to the more prestigious area pre-schools. After discussing the incident with her husband, "all of our plans are on hold."
North Korean 'Nuclear Device' Actually Made of Diet Coke and Mentos
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
The world was stunned to learn early Monday that North Korea had announced the successful completion of its first nuclear test. The country, largely considered the outcast of industrialized nations, had been threatening to conduct the test in an effort to extract diplomatic concessions from the United States. However, just as North Korean scientists began to celebrate, MIT Nuclear Technologies professor Elbert Newfield revealed that the claimed nuclear device was actually nothing more than a small scale bomb derived from ingredients available at any modern grocery store. According to Newfield, "there is absolutely nothing nuclear about this device. Children across the world make similar bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos mints. These bombs don't pose a danger to anyone except toy soldiers and maybe hamsters." North Korean leader Kim Jong-il remained defiant, stating that his country had, in fact, created a nuclear device but decided to disguise the advanced technology in a Diet Coke bottle. Further, he claimed that preparations were being made to arm long range missiles with Diet Coke warheads. Jong-il then abruptly set off a smoke bomb and ran back to his palace.
Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Accused of Monopolistic Aid Practices
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation recently generated headlines when investor Warren Buffett donated a sizable portion of his wealth to the charity. However, the organization has fallen under intense scrutiny lately as competing charities and aid organizations have raised serious concerns about the Gates Foundation's competitive practices. Adel Hess, President of the International Aid Foundation, stated that, "our field teams in Nigeria report that Gates Foundation operatives have been administering a modified Malaria vaccine which effectively forces the recipient to use Gates Foundation treatments exclusively. The Gates vaccine will proactively limit or outright disable vaccinations from competing aid organizations. It is horrific." This is not the first time complaints have been lodged against the Gates Foundation. In 2004 the organization was accused of sabotaging smaller aid competitors by instructing famine victims to avoid non-Gates Foundation relief centers. Gates Foundation relief workers reportedly told refugees that Red Cross camps should be avoided because they were, "unstable and could cause you to crash". Bill Gates is the co-founder of software giant Microsoft, which itself has generated frequent criticism for alleged anti-competitive business practices.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation recently generated headlines when investor Warren Buffett donated a sizable portion of his wealth to the charity. However, the organization has fallen under intense scrutiny lately as competing charities and aid organizations have raised serious concerns about the Gates Foundation's competitive practices. Adel Hess, President of the International Aid Foundation, stated that, "our field teams in Nigeria report that Gates Foundation operatives have been administering a modified Malaria vaccine which effectively forces the recipient to use Gates Foundation treatments exclusively. The Gates vaccine will proactively limit or outright disable vaccinations from competing aid organizations. It is horrific." This is not the first time complaints have been lodged against the Gates Foundation. In 2004 the organization was accused of sabotaging smaller aid competitors by instructing famine victims to avoid non-Gates Foundation relief centers. Gates Foundation relief workers reportedly told refugees that Red Cross camps should be avoided because they were, "unstable and could cause you to crash". Bill Gates is the co-founder of software giant Microsoft, which itself has generated frequent criticism for alleged anti-competitive business practices.
Liner Notes to Rap Album Reveal Elusive Law of Thermodynamics
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."
When the latest album by rap group 'Ghetto Hood Dawgs' hit stores on Tuesday, most fans were expecting another dose of the group's hard edge rap music. While they did receive this, fans were also treated to an unexpected bonus, discovery of the fourth law of thermodynamics. The law, found in rapper Streat Kred's shout out section reads as follows, "I need to give a shout out to my homies Terrel, Darnell, Kaptain K-Funk and my baby's momma Shuntice. Fifth street rollers always be pimpin! Oh yeah, as temperature rises, the entropy of a system increases at a rate equal to the square of the relative distance from absolute zero, baby." Leading physicists from around the world were quick to praise rapper Streat Kred's discovery. Noted physics expert Stephen Hawking stated, "I have always been a fan of the Ghetto Hood Dawgs and I'm not surprised that these talented urban artists were able to make such a strong contribution to both rap music and physics. It is a banner day for the human species."
'Spamming for Jesus' Campaign Short Lived
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Jeff Lemmand of Idaho was forced to shut down his electronic evangelism activities after internet provider Netcom deactivated his account Monday. The move caught Lemmand by surprise as it occurred roughly six hours after he started his religious email campaign. The emails in question, which included Bible quotes and veiled threats of damnation, were sent to more than 35 million email addresses worldwide. Lemmand used a software program, Spambot, to send approximately 5 million emails per hour. In a statement, Netcom noted that it had, "received more than 83,000 complaints from across the globe about Lemmand's email activities, all in a period of a few hours." According to Lemmand, "Netcom clearly has an anti-Christian agenda."
Robot Vacuum Cleaner Won't Stop Chasing Cat
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
After months of deliberation, local resident Alison Waters recently decided to purchase a Robo-Vac 2500. The Robo-Vac is the latest advancement in fully automated robotic vacuums which are designed to clean floors using no human effort. The machines, which utilize sophisticated infrared sensors and mapping technologies, have become increasingly popular with lazy homeowners due to their ease of use.
After unpacking the Robo-Vac unit and completing the diagnostic setup, Alison set the vacuum to perform a cleaning cycle and left for work one morning. According to Alison, "when I got home from work, the Robo-Vac had cornered my poor cat Mollie under a table and was making repeated strafing runs to frighten her."
Certain that the device had encountered a simple malfunction, Alison reset the unit. However, upon reboot, the vacuum again charged at the cat. "This time Mollie was able to get around the machine and run upstairs. I know it doesn't make sense, but the vacuum started spinning...almost like a victory dance."
Alison's husband, Carl, initially a skeptic of the Robo-Vac purchase, was pleased to learn of its tendency to torture the couple's cat. "I'm now thinking about buying a robotic lawnmower", he said.
Robotic Diaper Changing Machine Experiences Predictable Disaster
Nagatachi Corp recently reported that its efforts to develop an automated diaper changing system suffered a tremendous setback. The prototype machine, designed to change 100 diapers per minute, caused serious burns to at least 18 infants when a natural gas line unexpectedly burst into flames. Not one single pundit expressed surprise at the news. Presidential Pediatrics Advisor Nell Patterson explained that "nobody really expected the machine to work, but for the good of humanity, we had to try." Observers have raised the question as to how Nagatachi Corp received permission from the FDA to carry out tests on the prototype using live babies. Still others suggested that the possibility of scorching babies was an acceptable risk to take given the machine's benefits to mankind.
Nagatachi Corp recently reported that its efforts to develop an automated diaper changing system suffered a tremendous setback. The prototype machine, designed to change 100 diapers per minute, caused serious burns to at least 18 infants when a natural gas line unexpectedly burst into flames. Not one single pundit expressed surprise at the news. Presidential Pediatrics Advisor Nell Patterson explained that "nobody really expected the machine to work, but for the good of humanity, we had to try." Observers have raised the question as to how Nagatachi Corp received permission from the FDA to carry out tests on the prototype using live babies. Still others suggested that the possibility of scorching babies was an acceptable risk to take given the machine's benefits to mankind.
Thousands Killed in Deadly Restless Leg Syndrome Outbreak
Americans were shocked to learn Wednesday that as many as 1,400 residents of the northern California town of Smithton were killed in what has been dubbed, "the worlds most devastating outbreak of Restless Leg Syndrome". Although details remain elusive, the Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that a disaster management unit has been dispatched to Smithton to handle an RLS epidemic. Until further notice, the town has been quarantined for fear that the RLS outbreak could spread to densely populated areas and expand into a nationwide pandemic. Restless Leg Syndrome, or RLS, was a relatively unknown disorder until the GlaxoSmithKline corporation discovered a compound to treat the affliction. Since that time, the company has aggressively marketed a prescription drug, Requip, to millions of Americans who were previously unaware they suffered from the deadly disease. Centers for Disease Control Director Dr. Julie Gerberding stated that the US government possessed an adequate Requip stockpile to handle a nationwide RLS outbreak. The news didn't stop thousands of worried citizens from looting pharmacies across the nation in search of precious Requip.
Americans were shocked to learn Wednesday that as many as 1,400 residents of the northern California town of Smithton were killed in what has been dubbed, "the worlds most devastating outbreak of Restless Leg Syndrome". Although details remain elusive, the Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that a disaster management unit has been dispatched to Smithton to handle an RLS epidemic. Until further notice, the town has been quarantined for fear that the RLS outbreak could spread to densely populated areas and expand into a nationwide pandemic. Restless Leg Syndrome, or RLS, was a relatively unknown disorder until the GlaxoSmithKline corporation discovered a compound to treat the affliction. Since that time, the company has aggressively marketed a prescription drug, Requip, to millions of Americans who were previously unaware they suffered from the deadly disease. Centers for Disease Control Director Dr. Julie Gerberding stated that the US government possessed an adequate Requip stockpile to handle a nationwide RLS outbreak. The news didn't stop thousands of worried citizens from looting pharmacies across the nation in search of precious Requip.
Head-On Collision Settles Chevy, Ford Truck Rivalry
Chevy truck enthusiasts throughout the United States were jubilant following news that a Chevy truck had rolled away unscathed from a devastating collision with a similar sized Ford truck. The Chevy truck was pronounced the clear winner by Clark County EMS medic Gary Surtov. "That Chevy truck just annihilated the Ford truck, instantly killing the Ford owner", said Surtov. The wreck settles an ongoing feud between owners of General Motors Chevrolet pickup trucks and Ford Motor Company pickup trucks. Both sides have been locked in a bitter war whose battleground includes obscene bumper stickers and countless NASCAR race brawls. General Motors CEO Ken Smithson announced that the company planned a "full court marketing press" to capitalize on the accident results. Smithson asked, "how does 'Chevy is killing the competition' sound?"
Chevy truck enthusiasts throughout the United States were jubilant following news that a Chevy truck had rolled away unscathed from a devastating collision with a similar sized Ford truck. The Chevy truck was pronounced the clear winner by Clark County EMS medic Gary Surtov. "That Chevy truck just annihilated the Ford truck, instantly killing the Ford owner", said Surtov. The wreck settles an ongoing feud between owners of General Motors Chevrolet pickup trucks and Ford Motor Company pickup trucks. Both sides have been locked in a bitter war whose battleground includes obscene bumper stickers and countless NASCAR race brawls. General Motors CEO Ken Smithson announced that the company planned a "full court marketing press" to capitalize on the accident results. Smithson asked, "how does 'Chevy is killing the competition' sound?"
Department of Scientific Waste Sequences Otter Genome
Hailed as a major breakthrough in the understanding of aquatic mammals, the US Department of Scientific Waste (USDSW) announced the completion of a three year project to sequence the genome of the North American River Otter. At a cost of nearly $73 million, the project sought to increase the scientific community's understanding of the otter, an innocuous and unimportant animal. Project leader Gary O'Mally stated, "not only did this project produce a mountain of useless data, but the sequencing machines we tied up in this endeavor undoubtedly could have been used to help mankind in a significant way." The USDSW also announced that the agency has undertaken a new project, to determine the effect of weightlessness on donated organs.
Hailed as a major breakthrough in the understanding of aquatic mammals, the US Department of Scientific Waste (USDSW) announced the completion of a three year project to sequence the genome of the North American River Otter. At a cost of nearly $73 million, the project sought to increase the scientific community's understanding of the otter, an innocuous and unimportant animal. Project leader Gary O'Mally stated, "not only did this project produce a mountain of useless data, but the sequencing machines we tied up in this endeavor undoubtedly could have been used to help mankind in a significant way." The USDSW also announced that the agency has undertaken a new project, to determine the effect of weightlessness on donated organs.
Mail Order Cat Business Fails in First Week
Franklin, NC entrepreneur Hal Davis expressed regret Tuesday as he was forced to close down his fledgling pet business, Catco Inc, an internet based cat warehouse. Shortly after the company opened, Davis was barraged with accusations of animal endangerment. "At first I didn't pay no attention to the naysayers who said I was endangering the cats. I've seen cats that could jump eight feet in the air so I thought for sure them cats would be fine living in a cardboard box for three to five business days". As it turned out, 135 of the 137 total shipments resulted in what Davis termed, 'minor product damage'. According to Davis,"some people think a 46% success rate is pretty good. If I were a baseball player batting .460 that would make me an All-Star. However, because of society's 'morals' and 'laws', my small business gets shut down."
Franklin, NC entrepreneur Hal Davis expressed regret Tuesday as he was forced to close down his fledgling pet business, Catco Inc, an internet based cat warehouse. Shortly after the company opened, Davis was barraged with accusations of animal endangerment. "At first I didn't pay no attention to the naysayers who said I was endangering the cats. I've seen cats that could jump eight feet in the air so I thought for sure them cats would be fine living in a cardboard box for three to five business days". As it turned out, 135 of the 137 total shipments resulted in what Davis termed, 'minor product damage'. According to Davis,"some people think a 46% success rate is pretty good. If I were a baseball player batting .460 that would make me an All-Star. However, because of society's 'morals' and 'laws', my small business gets shut down."
FBI Warns Complete Idiots of New E-Mail Scam
Morons, idiots and oxygen wasters across the world were warned today about the resurgence of an email scam originating from Nigeria. According to the FBI, victims are told via email that they have won ten million dollars in the Nigerian National Lottery. In order to claim the fictitious prize, victims are told to wire a $10,000 'reward fee' to the Nigerian Lottery Minister. FBI Stupid Victims Unit Specialist Tom Snell noted, "We've had over 130 reported cases of people losing money over this scam. For whatever reason, people will believe that they somehow won a foreign lottery they never entered to win. Personally, I don't know how people this stupid even come to possess the money they lose."
Morons, idiots and oxygen wasters across the world were warned today about the resurgence of an email scam originating from Nigeria. According to the FBI, victims are told via email that they have won ten million dollars in the Nigerian National Lottery. In order to claim the fictitious prize, victims are told to wire a $10,000 'reward fee' to the Nigerian Lottery Minister. FBI Stupid Victims Unit Specialist Tom Snell noted, "We've had over 130 reported cases of people losing money over this scam. For whatever reason, people will believe that they somehow won a foreign lottery they never entered to win. Personally, I don't know how people this stupid even come to possess the money they lose."
Local Moron Curtis Smith Confused by Microwave
"How the hell do I turn this dang thing on?", a befuddled Curtis Smith asked as he frantically skimmed the pages of his Microvue 2500 Microwave Oven operating manual. "Its got all these little buttons with numbers and such. All I want to do is cook a hot dog." After spending three minutes searching for the solution, Curtis placed a "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 bumper sticker on the oven door and began eating a bag of Doritos. Reached for comment, Microvue engineer Mosama Sirigul noted that ease of use was an important design consideration, "We tested the microwave with a broad spectrum of the population.. Even a smart cat in Wisconsin was able to turn it on."
"How the hell do I turn this dang thing on?", a befuddled Curtis Smith asked as he frantically skimmed the pages of his Microvue 2500 Microwave Oven operating manual. "Its got all these little buttons with numbers and such. All I want to do is cook a hot dog." After spending three minutes searching for the solution, Curtis placed a "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 bumper sticker on the oven door and began eating a bag of Doritos. Reached for comment, Microvue engineer Mosama Sirigul noted that ease of use was an important design consideration, "We tested the microwave with a broad spectrum of the population.. Even a smart cat in Wisconsin was able to turn it on."
Personal Information on 830,000 Civil War Veterans Stolen
For the second time in as many months, the Veterans Administration was forced to admit that personal information on war veterans was stolen Thursday. The information, consisting of names, addresses and pay receipts, was taken via photocopy from archived documents freely available in the Washington National Library. Privacy advocates were outraged that the government would allow such records to be accessible to the public. According to National Privacy Center director Paul Hoden, "this event proves that government information safety standards are woefully inadequate. To think that this information is available to anyone off the street is unfathomable." After publication of the theft, major credit card companies confirmed that several attempts had been made to open accounts using the veterans data. More than two hundred fraudulent account applications had been processed, but all were rejected because the home country listed was, "Confederate States of America", which no longer exists.
For the second time in as many months, the Veterans Administration was forced to admit that personal information on war veterans was stolen Thursday. The information, consisting of names, addresses and pay receipts, was taken via photocopy from archived documents freely available in the Washington National Library. Privacy advocates were outraged that the government would allow such records to be accessible to the public. According to National Privacy Center director Paul Hoden, "this event proves that government information safety standards are woefully inadequate. To think that this information is available to anyone off the street is unfathomable." After publication of the theft, major credit card companies confirmed that several attempts had been made to open accounts using the veterans data. More than two hundred fraudulent account applications had been processed, but all were rejected because the home country listed was, "Confederate States of America", which no longer exists.
New Fuel Technology Harnesses Power of Puppy Bones
A new study released by the National Institute for Alternative Energy shows that mankind's answer to tightening oil supplies may be only two years away. Institute director Mark Stephens explained the newfound technology, "for years we've been working tirelessly to find new fuels which will power the world into the next millennium. We believe such a fuel source has been found, in the bones of juvenile dogs." Researchers explained that dog bones, specifically puppy bones, possess a high level of stored energy. Using a sophisticated extraction process, researchers claim to have the ability to transfer this energy into a liquid state, which they term 'puptroleum'. Stephens noted that, "one gallon on puptroleum stores the same amount of energy as ten gallons of unleaded gasoline." Some scientists expressed doubts as to the practical applications of this breakthrough. One such skeptic, Charles Davis of MIT pointed out that, "it would take the bones of approximately 83 puppies to produce one gallon of puptroleum. I doubt the public would find that acceptable." In related news, Exxon-Moblie announced plans to acquire the National Humane Society for three billion dollars.
A new study released by the National Institute for Alternative Energy shows that mankind's answer to tightening oil supplies may be only two years away. Institute director Mark Stephens explained the newfound technology, "for years we've been working tirelessly to find new fuels which will power the world into the next millennium. We believe such a fuel source has been found, in the bones of juvenile dogs." Researchers explained that dog bones, specifically puppy bones, possess a high level of stored energy. Using a sophisticated extraction process, researchers claim to have the ability to transfer this energy into a liquid state, which they term 'puptroleum'. Stephens noted that, "one gallon on puptroleum stores the same amount of energy as ten gallons of unleaded gasoline." Some scientists expressed doubts as to the practical applications of this breakthrough. One such skeptic, Charles Davis of MIT pointed out that, "it would take the bones of approximately 83 puppies to produce one gallon of puptroleum. I doubt the public would find that acceptable." In related news, Exxon-Moblie announced plans to acquire the National Humane Society for three billion dollars.
Iraq War Videogame Not Very Fun
Video gamers across the United States reacted with disappointment Thursday upon the arrival of a new first person shooter (FPS) game titled Medal of Honor: Iraq Occupation. Previous Medal of Honor video games focused on World War II and were widely acclaimed for their graphical realism and intense gameplay. However, those same features seemed to alienate gamers who played Iraq Occupation. Player Tommy Gomez summarized the gaming community's frustration, "the game is just no fun. You go on a mission, spend two hours patrolling a street, then get killed by an improvised explosive device or a sniper hiding in a window. It's stupid." Responding to criticism, game developers noted that Iraq Occupation is based on actual missions and real world dangers. Lead programmer Hans Smithfield added, "the US Army just isn't giving video game developers much to work with in this war. What we really need is a full scale war between the US and France. That would make for an awesome game."
Video gamers across the United States reacted with disappointment Thursday upon the arrival of a new first person shooter (FPS) game titled Medal of Honor: Iraq Occupation. Previous Medal of Honor video games focused on World War II and were widely acclaimed for their graphical realism and intense gameplay. However, those same features seemed to alienate gamers who played Iraq Occupation. Player Tommy Gomez summarized the gaming community's frustration, "the game is just no fun. You go on a mission, spend two hours patrolling a street, then get killed by an improvised explosive device or a sniper hiding in a window. It's stupid." Responding to criticism, game developers noted that Iraq Occupation is based on actual missions and real world dangers. Lead programmer Hans Smithfield added, "the US Army just isn't giving video game developers much to work with in this war. What we really need is a full scale war between the US and France. That would make for an awesome game."
New Guided Missile Utilizes Google Technology
Speaking before a military industry audience, Google Vice-President Tony Phillips previewed the internet company's latest service offering, GoogleStrike. While some controversy has surrounded this venture, many have cheered Google's latest innovation. The new service allows users to track military and civilian targets via satellite anywhere in the world using a combination of GoogleEarth and GPS signals. Phillips touted the convenience of relying on a Google based targeting system, noting that "the days of spending seemingly endless hours waiting for your target to surface are over. Now, military commanders can make surgical strikes from their laptop or PDA."
Speaking before a military industry audience, Google Vice-President Tony Phillips previewed the internet company's latest service offering, GoogleStrike. While some controversy has surrounded this venture, many have cheered Google's latest innovation. The new service allows users to track military and civilian targets via satellite anywhere in the world using a combination of GoogleEarth and GPS signals. Phillips touted the convenience of relying on a Google based targeting system, noting that "the days of spending seemingly endless hours waiting for your target to surface are over. Now, military commanders can make surgical strikes from their laptop or PDA."
Man Undertakes Valiant Defense of Wikipedia Article on 'Color Me Badd'
By day, Eric Wells works as a clerk at a major grocery chain. By night, he is the fierce defender of a Wikipedia article on defunct R&B music group 'Color Me Badd'. According to Wells, he was, "drafted into the Badd service when one user called the group a low quality knock off of New Kids on the Block." Wells has spent the past 13 days defending the article from revisions which he describes as "infantile and not objective at all". Wells has reversed 167 edits to the 'Color Me Badd' article, much to the chagrin of fellow Wikipedia users. One user, mascot343, called Wells' actions, "totally rude and an affront to Wikipedia's high standards." Wells remained defiant, stating that, "anyone who messes with the Badd is going to get a face-full of reverts."
By day, Eric Wells works as a clerk at a major grocery chain. By night, he is the fierce defender of a Wikipedia article on defunct R&B music group 'Color Me Badd'. According to Wells, he was, "drafted into the Badd service when one user called the group a low quality knock off of New Kids on the Block." Wells has spent the past 13 days defending the article from revisions which he describes as "infantile and not objective at all". Wells has reversed 167 edits to the 'Color Me Badd' article, much to the chagrin of fellow Wikipedia users. One user, mascot343, called Wells' actions, "totally rude and an affront to Wikipedia's high standards." Wells remained defiant, stating that, "anyone who messes with the Badd is going to get a face-full of reverts."
Celebrated Pluto Expert Devastated By Decision To Reclassify Planet
Kevin Harkos, the world's foremost expert on Pluto, was devastated to learn Wednesday that the International Astronomy Standards Agency had decided to alter the official 'planet' definition to exclude Pluto and reduce the number of official planets in the solar system to eight. Harkos, the head of Utah State's astronomy program, had dedicated essentially all of his adult life to studying Pluto and was widely regarded as academia's top expert on the subject. In 2005, he was awarded the title of 'Planet Guru' by Astronomy Today Magazine for his groundbreaking insight on Pluto. Thursday, the publication retracted Harkos' Planet Guru designation and awarded it to Carlos Gutern, noted Jupiter expert and Harkos' chief rival. Fallout from the Pluto decision extended further when the Utah State Academic Board elected to revoke Harkos' tenure on the grounds that it was awarded under false pretense. Utah State President Hugh Levett said, "We can't afford to award tenure to someone who studies space rocks. In the world of astronomy, you go planet or go home."
Kevin Harkos, the world's foremost expert on Pluto, was devastated to learn Wednesday that the International Astronomy Standards Agency had decided to alter the official 'planet' definition to exclude Pluto and reduce the number of official planets in the solar system to eight. Harkos, the head of Utah State's astronomy program, had dedicated essentially all of his adult life to studying Pluto and was widely regarded as academia's top expert on the subject. In 2005, he was awarded the title of 'Planet Guru' by Astronomy Today Magazine for his groundbreaking insight on Pluto. Thursday, the publication retracted Harkos' Planet Guru designation and awarded it to Carlos Gutern, noted Jupiter expert and Harkos' chief rival. Fallout from the Pluto decision extended further when the Utah State Academic Board elected to revoke Harkos' tenure on the grounds that it was awarded under false pretense. Utah State President Hugh Levett said, "We can't afford to award tenure to someone who studies space rocks. In the world of astronomy, you go planet or go home."
National Geographic Editor Sick of Glaciers
As senior editor David Jarvis put the finishing touches on National Geographic issue #1532, he expressed regret at having wasted an excessive amount of resources on glaciers; uninteresting rivers of ice on land which move in response to gravity. Since its founding in 1888, the National Geographic Society has published approximately 173 glaciers stories compared with 95 articles on its most popular subject, volcanoes. "Glacier articles are easy to write and we have hundreds, if not thousands of glacier photographs lying around. For some reason our contributors won't stop submitting glacier articles. I really hate them (glaciers) to be honest ", he said. Asked which type of glacier was his favorite, alpine or continental, Jarvis respond, "shut up and leave my office."
As senior editor David Jarvis put the finishing touches on National Geographic issue #1532, he expressed regret at having wasted an excessive amount of resources on glaciers; uninteresting rivers of ice on land which move in response to gravity. Since its founding in 1888, the National Geographic Society has published approximately 173 glaciers stories compared with 95 articles on its most popular subject, volcanoes. "Glacier articles are easy to write and we have hundreds, if not thousands of glacier photographs lying around. For some reason our contributors won't stop submitting glacier articles. I really hate them (glaciers) to be honest ", he said. Asked which type of glacier was his favorite, alpine or continental, Jarvis respond, "shut up and leave my office."
CVS Introduces New Discount Card Program
Despite signing up tens of millions of American consumers to its Loyalty Card Program, pharmacy chain CVS recently announced plans expand the program to include casual shoppers who generally reject the card. "Our research has shown that only 28% of our shoppers have a CVS card and the remaining 72% are just tired of being asked to sign up every time they try to buy chap stick" said CVS marketing director Karl Jones.
"For those who don't want a CVS ExtraCare Card, we introduce our latest 'I Don't Want An ExtraCare Card' card. With this card, our shoppers will be able to avoid a CVS card pitch by simply swiping their 'I Don't Want An ExtraCare Card' in place of the standard ExtraCare card" Jones said.
Critics have accused CVS of using card programs to collect the most personal of information from its customers. "CVS sells many products which are of an intensely personal nature. It's wrong of them to closely track the buying and prescription habits of individual customers" said consumer advocate Paul Benson. "What they're doing here amounts to extortion. They want you to sign up for the 'I Don't Want a Discount Card' or else they're going to have their clerks harass you with sign up offers every time you buy wax to remove unwanted foot hair." Benson added, "I don't do that by the way."
Despite signing up tens of millions of American consumers to its Loyalty Card Program, pharmacy chain CVS recently announced plans expand the program to include casual shoppers who generally reject the card. "Our research has shown that only 28% of our shoppers have a CVS card and the remaining 72% are just tired of being asked to sign up every time they try to buy chap stick" said CVS marketing director Karl Jones.
"For those who don't want a CVS ExtraCare Card, we introduce our latest 'I Don't Want An ExtraCare Card' card. With this card, our shoppers will be able to avoid a CVS card pitch by simply swiping their 'I Don't Want An ExtraCare Card' in place of the standard ExtraCare card" Jones said.
Critics have accused CVS of using card programs to collect the most personal of information from its customers. "CVS sells many products which are of an intensely personal nature. It's wrong of them to closely track the buying and prescription habits of individual customers" said consumer advocate Paul Benson. "What they're doing here amounts to extortion. They want you to sign up for the 'I Don't Want a Discount Card' or else they're going to have their clerks harass you with sign up offers every time you buy wax to remove unwanted foot hair." Benson added, "I don't do that by the way."